"My happiness is directly proportional to my expectations."
It would be nice if people, places and things did what I expected them to do. Placing any sort of expectations on the Humans and their erratic behaviour is especially precarious. The closer our relationship is to the Human in question the more currency the expectation carries.
We all want to be treated with respect. If some schmo walking down the street doesn't smile back at me when I walk by I may be mildly irritated at the rude behaviour - but it will be fleeting and mild. Now if I tell a girl I am dating I love her and she asks me to pass the ketchup I will lose sleep and my feelings will be intense and unpleasant. This is because I had an expectation of how she would behave.
When we do something to make another person feel better with no expectation of reward we are acting out of what I call Authentic Love. If I walk passed my child's door and I see that her blanket has fallen off I sneak into the room very quietly and pull the blanket up over her so she is warm and feels safe. I take great pleasure in this and I have no expectation of reward. In fact, not getting caught is essential.
For me, the inverse relationship between expectation and happiness is most acute in the Family. I have heard it said that "anyone who had parents suffered some form of abuse". Most of us have some sort of weird little neurosis related to our parents and our expectation of how we should be treated. This peculiar and common tension is further complicated by differences in values and respect indicators created by personality differences and generation gaps.
I believe that all Humans have the right to be respected. In fact, I demand a certain level of respect from those who I allow in my life. This presents another problem with family - we didn't choose them. So when my expectation of respect is not being met I'm forced to ride out the relationship to the bitter and miserable end.
Or am I?
When our expectation of respect is not met in a relationship that we are born into we have to rise above that expectation. I do this by doubling down on Authentic Love. Authentic Love fill's the hole left by my unmet expectations. In fact, sometimes the expectation fades away completely.
The act of committing random, secret acts of Authentic Love is the antidote for unmet expectations. And here's the secret - these acts don't even have to be perpetrated on the same Humans that are not meeting your expectation of respect. Any Human will do - the more deserving the better.
There is a magic that happens when we incorporate Authentic Love into our lives. The importance of the expectation fades and sometimes goes away entirely. Sometimes we suddenly realize our expectations are being met and when they are not we are able to feel compassion rather than resentment.
Eventually they will come around. In the mean time with all of us in the Edgosphere running around committing random acts of Authentic Love the World will be a better place! So keep you're head up folks and when the Humans fall short of your expectations just Smile and Wave.
Respectfully, From the Edge
Another technique I learned this week for dealing with Humans:/ "You're entitled to your opinion. I will agree to disagree with you. {Then, I can "smile and walk away!":}
ReplyDeleteGood one Theresa - another one I learned is "Disagreement does not equal rejection" some of the Humans take disagreement very personally.
DeleteDear Sam Edge, I wonder about your pen name (pseudonym or "nom de plume")?!! I learned last week how Mark Twain chose his pen name in February, 1863. Samuel Clemens was a Steamboat Captain. When the Civil War arrived, the mighty Mississippi River was shut-down to public access. Sam was out of a job. He road the coat tails of his older brother to Nevada (an assignment President Abraham Lincoln gave to Sam's older brother.) "He maintained that his primary pen name came from his years working on Mississippi riverboats, where two fathoms, a depth indicating 'safe water' for the boat to float over, was measured on the sounding line. A fathom is a maritime unit of depth, equivalent to two yards (1.8 m); 'twain' is an archaic term for 'two'. The river boatman's cry was 'mark twain' or, more fully, 'by the mark twain', meaning 'according to the mark [on the line], [the depth is] two [fathoms]', that is, 'there are 12 feet (3.7 m) of water under the boat and it is safe to pass'."
ReplyDeleteHowever, "mark twain" is actually the "edge" of water depth safety...the river could go either way. Eager to be on their way, riverboat captains went with that edge of safety, I guess.
SAM EDGE: Samuel Clemens lived on this edge of life...with many tragedies buried in his heart, much like yours has, I imagine. Samuel left this world as sickly as he had arrived (as a premature infant, whose mother believed that Halley's Comet, appearing on his birth date meant a good omen of greatness for her fragile born son.) Ironically, the great Mark Twain was honored in death by that same Halley's Comet, appearing again on the night of his very sickly death. This marvelous writer died from many crushing blows that a long life can only harbor. Hiding cleverly behind masks of humor, Mark Twain survived life's varying river depths...through humor. Humor has that comforting way of lifting our sadness.Suicide seems the cowardly option...so humor is the best way to live on life's edge with any amount of peace & sanity. I wonder about your pen name, Sam Edge!! My pseudonym or "nom de plume" is Trusty Belle.
Umm Wow! that was awesome. First off, Samuel Clemens is one of my all time favourite authors and I knew most of what you wrote - except that part about Haley's Comet! My Mother actually read the entire collected works of Mark twain between the ages of 9 to 11 and it had quite an impact on me.
DeleteMy nom de plum "Sam Edge" is based on my real name. My birth certificate reads Jason Samuel Edge. I was later adopted and lost the name Edge. When I started writing I had thought that a certain amount of anonymity would free me up to write my story unedited. There are things I would like to write about my life that would not make polite dinner conversation. As it turns out Sam Edge has become my Biographer and not just a play on words. "The Edge" has become both "who" and "how" I am.
Now "Trusty Belle" sounds like real a Mark Twain character! I must say Trusty you have made life on the Edge a better place and your comments have been greatly appreciated. I definitely sense a certain edginess to you and look forward to your insights in the future.
Thanks for Being part of the Edgosphere Trusty.
Thanks for the concept of 'doubling down on love'. Makes great sense, kind of a modern version of turn the other cheek or love thy enemies as thyself. Thanks for this.
ReplyDeleteYes the Golden Rule in modern vernacular i suppose. Really these are new ways of looking at old ideas aren't they. Thanks for your comment and God Bless.
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