My kids have the right to be safe and treated with respect.
My three daughters (ages 2, 7 and 13) are my greatest teachers. Thanks to them, and my Angel of a wife, my life is a never-ending loop of learning, listening and letting go of old ideas - not always in that order.
Kids don’t know they have these basic rights unless we tell them. As a parent it is my job, not only to keep them safe, but also to instill them with the core belief that they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
My oldest daughter is a random bit of perfection - the unintended consequence of a particularly imperfect relationship. After a bitter custody dispute she now lives with my ex - nine hours and a ferry ride away. The adjustment to this new arrangement has been a difficult and painful experience for all involved. Of course, the greatest burden fell on my child, who is least equipped to deal with it.
For me, getting past the resentment and self-incrimination from an embattled custody dispute has been both challenging and rewarding. A reluctant gratitude has slowly replaced the depression, anger and self-pity that once occupied that space. This dark circumstance is now the foundation for a richer, more substantial life as a parent, husband and human being.
As a long distance Dad, I am learning to distill my parenting into weekly phone calls and quarterly visits. This past Christmas she was home for just over two weeks. I had every intention of packing three months of parenting into this time a series of informative lectures and clever anecdotes with subtle double meanings. (Ugh! It can be exhausting being me sometimes)
I decided that listening and spending time with her would be more effective. She’s been through a lot and deserves a break from our broken home. The result was a relaxed and enjoyable visit spending time together. We engaged in light conversations that centered on playful dialogue and banter rather than teaching, lecturing and (not so) clever manipulations.
Towards the end of the visit we got into a spontaneous conversation about personalities, family and relationships. We talked about the assets and challenges of our personalities – the stuff we’re stuck with. We talked about how our assets become challenges if not put to good purpose and how we can create value from challenges.
I found myself saying safety and respect starts with the family. Above all else we deserve safety and respect in our homes.
The bad thing about parental advice is we have to follow it ourselves. Talk is cheap – it is our actions that send the loudest message. As the words came out I flashed to the times I raised my voice in frustration or got short when she would doddle, mumble or ignore me.
I acknowledged the mistakes I made over the years and committed to doing better. Most importantly I open the door for communication. Life is busy and if we aren’t open to feedback, it’s easy to get off track.
I asked if there was anything I could do to make her life a little better. Without skipping a beat she said, “Can you and Mom try to get along better?.” My inside voice said, “Couldn’t I just roll around in thumbtacks or watch the Sex and the City movie?”
This is a simple, honest request from a child. According to me, it is a basic human right. I am obligated to be respectful and kind – even when it’s inconvenient.
My oldest daughter is a random bit of perfection - the unintended consequence of a particularly imperfect relationship. After a bitter custody dispute she now lives with my ex - nine hours and a ferry ride away. The adjustment to this new arrangement has been a difficult and painful experience for all involved. Of course, the greatest burden fell on my child, who is least equipped to deal with it.
For me, getting past the resentment and self-incrimination from an embattled custody dispute has been both challenging and rewarding. A reluctant gratitude has slowly replaced the depression, anger and self-pity that once occupied that space. This dark circumstance is now the foundation for a richer, more substantial life as a parent, husband and human being.
As a long distance Dad, I am learning to distill my parenting into weekly phone calls and quarterly visits. This past Christmas she was home for just over two weeks. I had every intention of packing three months of parenting into this time a series of informative lectures and clever anecdotes with subtle double meanings. (Ugh! It can be exhausting being me sometimes)
In the end, I spared her and took a more passive approach.
Towards the end of the visit we got into a spontaneous conversation about personalities, family and relationships. We talked about the assets and challenges of our personalities – the stuff we’re stuck with. We talked about how our assets become challenges if not put to good purpose and how we can create value from challenges.
But most of all we talked about safety and respect.
The bad thing about parental advice is we have to follow it ourselves. Talk is cheap – it is our actions that send the loudest message. As the words came out I flashed to the times I raised my voice in frustration or got short when she would doddle, mumble or ignore me.
I acknowledged the mistakes I made over the years and committed to doing better. Most importantly I open the door for communication. Life is busy and if we aren’t open to feedback, it’s easy to get off track.
But nothing changes if nothing changes.
This is a simple, honest request from a child. According to me, it is a basic human right. I am obligated to be respectful and kind – even when it’s inconvenient.
I have always been a champion of the underdog. Now I see my girls stand up for those less fortunate. It is this quality that gives me the most pride as a father.
Through the magic process of passive parenting and dialogue, I stumbled onto a simple, but powerful, idea.
Through the magic process of passive parenting and dialogue, I stumbled onto a simple, but powerful, idea.
“When we are kind and respectful we attract kind and respectful people - unkind and disrespectful people become tiresome and fall from our lives through a process of natural selection."
This idea is not a new; however, it is the personal path we travel that creates a quality understanding and helps us put new, and sometime uncomfortable, ideas into action.
The visit ended on the First Day of the Year of our Lord, Two Thousand and Fifteen. Dropping her off was a little less painful than usual. When I gave her mom a hug and wished her a Happy New Year she watched closely from of the corner of her eye … smiling.
In the spirit of action and good purpose, I am going to be kinder and more respectful in my relationships with the other humans. When I encounter unkind or disrespectful conditions I will do my best to respond the way my daughter taught me. If it becomes unsafe I will remove my loved ones and myself from the situation – not out of fear, but out of love.
This is also my wish for you.
Best, Sam Edge
My Daughter(s) taught me that.
This idea is not a new; however, it is the personal path we travel that creates a quality understanding and helps us put new, and sometime uncomfortable, ideas into action.
The visit ended on the First Day of the Year of our Lord, Two Thousand and Fifteen. Dropping her off was a little less painful than usual. When I gave her mom a hug and wished her a Happy New Year she watched closely from of the corner of her eye … smiling.
Actions speak louder than words.
In the spirit of action and good purpose, I am going to be kinder and more respectful in my relationships with the other humans. When I encounter unkind or disrespectful conditions I will do my best to respond the way my daughter taught me. If it becomes unsafe I will remove my loved ones and myself from the situation – not out of fear, but out of love.
This is also my wish for you.
Best, Sam Edge
