The Edge of Consciousness: Success, Stress and Meditation

Successful people know their limitations. 

We know that there is only so much we can do - especially as we get older. In our twenties there are no limits to the amount of energy we can spend. We are able to waste time figuring out what we are doing and still find success because we have the spare energy to make up for lost time.

For most of us it is somewhere around thirty that we realize this was an unsustainable model. We have limits and if we were going to continue to be successful we can no longer rely on brute strength and volume. We have to find way to produce the same amount with less effort. 

We have to become more efficient - this requires strategic thinking. 

As we grow older this trend continues. So does the quest for efficiency. With the technology and communication revolution exploding around us, we are expected to produce more than ever. Between our work and family there is more to do than hours in the day. We end up sacrificing down time, recreation and social outlets to meet our demanding schedule. 

This recipe for disaster leads to burn-out, anxiety and depression. When we reach this crisis point we desperately need rest. We seek out our family doctor. She starts us on depression and anxiety medications that mask our symptom and allow us to carry on in this unsustainable pace. 

Finally we crash all together.

At least thats what happened to me. I was able to maintain this pace until I turned forty. I had been running on fumes for a few years by this time. I was still producing as much as ever. In fact my late thirties were the most successful years of my life - professionally. My family life and health suffered. When some personal tragedies fell on our home I was out of energy and my health gave up on me. 

It's funny how life steps in and sets your priorities for you when you fail to do so. I have been forced to work on my efficiencies first and let go of my perfectionism and workaholic behaviours. The job for me now is to find balance in my life. I can complicate the process. 

But it can be as simple as doing more of what works and less of what doesn't.

Taking time for reflection and introspection is critical. I grew up around meditation, my mother has taught Transcendental Meditation (TM) since I was a baby. With TM you sit quietly and repeat a "mantra" twice a day for twenty minutes. I have long understood the value of meditation and the need to clear our minds and get a break from "compulsive thinking". 

When the Buddhists talk about "enlightenment" it is described as, "the absence of suffering". The word suffering can be replaced with compulsive thinking. So mediation, and relief from thinking, may be the single most important activity we can undertake to achieve happiness, peace and success.

Unfortunately for me, sitting quietly for twenty minutes is akin to water board torture.

Fortunately, over the years I have been able to find suitable replacements for "traditional" meditation practices. In Eckart Tolle's book "The Power of Now" he tells us taking a single breath can give us enough of a break from thought to make a difference. I have found repetitive exercise such as swimming, or running works well. As a martial arts practitioner, the moving meditation of forms, or Kata, and repetitive drills also provides the break i needed. Even a short break from compulsive thinking can increase our focus and efficiency. 

We all need a break from our thinking. The absolute inability to control thought ultimately leads to insanity. 

This is why so many people shoot themselves in the head when they commit suicide - the damn thing won't shut up. 

I have recently found a new type of meditation that has produced some truly astounding results in a short period of time. It's called binaural beats technology. I won't get into the science behind it. I have been doing it for at least twenty minutes a day for the last few days. I can say that not only does it work in quieting my mind, but I don't have any trouble sitting for the twenty minutes. 

I will be investigating this more. For now I will leave you with the sample below to try for your self. The only thing you need to know is it can be played at lower volumes, you have to use stereo headphones for it to work and you should not listen while driving. 

Find a quiet place and sit and enjoy a break. 

Please leave a comment and let me know what your experience was.

Best, Sam Edge
Check out the Edge On Strategy

The Edge on Father / Daughter Relationships

According to my family mythology surrounding parenting, boys teach mothers and girls teach fathers. I'm sure there are exceptions, however, it has enough credibility to survive a few generations, especially with my First Nations (Native Canadian) relatives. The fact that I have three daughters certainly supports this notion. I call it a Myth because it really has no grounding in scientific or measurable facts, yet it explains events that are beyond our control.

My girls are, by far, my greatest teachers. 

The most intense relationship, for lack of a better word, is with my twelve year old. She is the product of a previous relationship that fell apart shortly after she was born. Her mother was younger than me. The responsibility of motherhood was too much for her at the time. As a result, I took on most of the parenting responsibility for the first ten years. My first daughter my "Starter Child", teaching me to parent through trial and error. 

My parenting philosophy is to ensure the child grows up feeling safe and loved at all times and above all else (and not to let her be the stinky kid in school). 

By ensuring she felt safe and loved growing up we now have a strong and healthy relationship that can weather life's obstacles. 

If you have followed my blogs or read my books, you will know I use my life's experience as the foundation for my writing. I believe that lessons learned from trial and error have weight and depth. Further, the more work that a particular lesson requires the more valuable it is. I don't share my experience until I have reached some sort of internal resolution. My writing objective is not to use the world as a sounding board while I work out life's challenges. (Although the writing process can lead to amazing self discovery). My writing objective is to help others by sharing what I learned from life's challenges once I have worked through them.  

In 2012 I lost a bitter custody dispute. My oldest went to live with her mother, nine hours away. In the course of 24 hours my family was chopped by twenty-five percent. Working through this has been simultaneously the most difficult and most rewarding experiences of my near half-century on the planet. This reaffirms one of my core beliefs that:

Difficult times are opportunities to become better, stronger and faster than before. 

As a direct result of this dispute, we have a co-parenting agreement where my daughter is able to rebuild the relationship with her mother while maintaining her connection to me, my wife and her sisters. Although, the role I will play in her teenage years is not what I had expected, or wanted, things have turned out just fine, if not even better, for her (shhhhhh, don't tell my ex I said that). It is a crushing blow to my male pride and ego to have to take a back seat to her mom in the parenting for the next few years; however, it is her happiness, not mine, that I am concerned with. In the end she will have a balanced upbringing with the benefit of a close tie to both parents. 

In retrospect, it was the family mythology of daughters teaching fathers that I leaned on to make it through the dark times of dispute and separation anxiety. It gave me faith that everything would work out. I was able to actively seek out the hidden lessons and be grateful for them as they manifested. It is a perfect example of the Power of Myth that I have been writing about recently. 

In times of crisis we lean on our stories to overcome the fear of the unknown - we are even willing to suspend logic.

Currently, my Daughter is with me for three weeks over Christmas. It's been a tough eighteen months for the poor kid and she's a little shell-shocked from it all. I have years of practice working through the tough times, she doesn't. For the first few days of her visit she was stand-offish and tense. The conflict between her parents had taken an obvious toll. It was like she was waiting for something bad to happen. Waiting for me to drag her into the conflict she desperately wants no part of.

I sat her down and explained that we were both grieving since our relationship changed and getting used to idea that life is going to unfold differently than we'd expected. I told her "different" could be hard and scary but it was up to us how it turned out. 

I ensured her things could be better than ever if we worked together. 

I told her I was just figuring things out as I went along and if something I did made her feel uncomfortable or sad she should speak up. I told her it was okay for her to grieve in her own way too and if she had any questions she should ask. Most of all I told her we should take it easy on each other and remember deep down that we love each other and we're on the same side. I ended by sharing the family myth about her being my teacher and thanked her for all she'd done for me.

It was like turning on a light. You could see her changing from low to high frequency as the fear and anxiety melted away.  Gone was the fear of the unknown - she felt safe and loved. Since then the tension is gone and our connection is even stronger than before. These are the lessons that stick with us. They are even better when we can share them. 

In moments like this, being a parent is the best and most important thing I've ever done.

Kind Regards, Sam Edge

The Next RIght Thing ...

Happy Humpday,

On October 15, 2013 I got over 1,300 hits on my Poetry Blog. This is more than ten times my average traffic of roughly 100 hits per day(hpd). Now, before I launch into a speech about how hard work and perseverance pays off and the complex inner workings of critical mass and tipping point dynamics, I will disclose the following:

I have no friggin' clue what I did right.

If you follow my Poetry Blog and can offer any insight please let me know so I can do it again. I looked at all the obvious variables and I can find nothing unusual.  It closely followed a poem I wrote for the passing of my Grandma so ... um .... well... I'm not really sure what to say about that.

Ultimately, I have surrendered to the reality that even a broken clock is right twice a day and my explosion in hits was the result of the Chaos Theory in action. That is, all the moving parts lined up strictly as a result of repetition and inevitable coincidence and nothing to do with my highly contested brilliance.  

Doing the Next Right Thing

The older I get the more I realize that "less is more". As a young buck I adhered to a "run fast - hit hard" paradigm. This, combined with a tendency to over-think things, was inefficient and I did a lot of work with marginal results. The only reason I had any success at all was I had endless energy and I could afford to run down numerous dead ends before getting it right.  

This frantic pace proved to be unsustainable and by the time I hit forty I was burning blue smoke out of every orifice (and leaking from a few gaskets). Now, I've spent the better part of a decade learning how to do more with less. One of the keys is to put 100% into everything I do. This requires more than simple brute strength - it requires some strategic thinking. Such as:

1. Do one thing at a time.
2. Do what is in front of me first.
3. Don't do other peoples work.
4. Identify my strengths and weaknesses.
5. Do more of what I'm good at.
6. Delegate what I suck at.

These are some of the basic strategic elements in no particular order of living an efficient life. It can be summarized by: "Do the Next Right Thing". If I do what is in front of me to the best of my ability the next thing requires much less effort. Conversely, if I am preoccupied with past or future things, I expend more energy and produce less and lower quality. 

Hardly rocket science, however, it has worked well for me. If you find your self jammed up over a thing. Stop. Do the next right thing and nothing else.  Rinse and repeat. You will find nothing is insurmountable - at least this is my experience. In the case of my mysterious increase in hits, the next right thing is writing this Post.

Now it's time for a coffee break. 

Enjoy the rest of Hump Day, Sam

The Edge of Safety

Everything important in life I learned before I was six.

My Mom and I started off on our own. She was a single mom until I was six. My Dad was a little on the wild side, to put it mildly. She figured that the best place for him was away from us. At nineteen years old she bundled me up and ran away to safety.

I don't have many memories about those first six years - just vignettes and snapshots that are random and out of sequence.  When I think about those years I get the picture of Christopher Robin in a rain jacket skipping through mud puddles.

‘One, two, buckle my shoe’

We lived with my Grandparents for awhile. Then we got a place on Park Avenue. That's the Park Avenue in Kelowna, B.C., Canada not Park Avenue, New York, N.Y., USA. There are probably no two points on the Earth farther apart than the two Park Avenues.

Mom worked. I remember a pizza restaurant called the Colony. The memory of this place is the clearest of my first six years. I remember the name of the restaurant, how my mom looked, the smells and the tastes - especially the taste of pizza. Every payday Friday we would have a mushroom and olive pizza. We were vegetarians. I thought everyone was. In the 60's many were.

To this day I associate mushrooms and olives with being safe and happy.

This feeling of safety started to fade when I was six. My mom remarried and I had two half sisters in rapid succession. I was a sensitive kid and I didn't adapt very well. I didn't feel like I fit and I didn't have that feeling of safety any more.

And then this happened ------------------------------->

I spent a decade or so chasing my tail and trying to fit in. I all but erased the simple lessons of my first six years.

I was unhappy and unsafe.

I am happy to report my eventual return to happy and safe. The circle is complete. Today these feelings come from within and are supported by a loving wife and three daughters. There is no longer any question of where I fit. Not only am I safe but I now provide safety to others.

Last night my six-year-old wanted to sleep with me. She wanted to feel safe. Sprawled diagonally across my bed, her blanket had fallen off and she'd dropped her stuffy. I fixed her blanket and realised it was the wrong stuffy. I went to her room and got the right one.

In that moment, as she squeezed her stuffy and sunk a little deeper into the pillow, she knew what safe and happy felt like. She didn't know how or why and it didn't matter. It was part of her now. It would kick in when she needed it.

Before the complications and compound complications love was simple, not something that had to be worked on. My Mom taught me all I ever needed to know about love and life in my first six years. She taught me a lifetime of value before either of us ever found out about the things we didn't know.

"One, two, buckle my shoe ..."

The Edge of Reason

"It's beter to keep your mouth shut and have people think you a fool than speak and remove all doubt." Mark Twain et. al.

I attributed the quote above to Mark Twain et. al. as there is some debate as to its genesis. Regardless of origin, this little pearl of wisdom has served me well. When I am unsure of where I stand or, more frequently, when I am not fit for Human consumption, I try to listen more and speak less. 

I learned this lesson only after many years of conflict, trial and error.

For most of my thirties I worked in an office with twenty-five employees. I was the only man. I worked there for seven years. I was in a senior management postion. Any authority I had over my employees was an illusion that I was allowed to entertain from time to time. 

Any true managing that I was able to achieve was through the art of strategic submission. I leaned more about how to get along with the Humans during those years than all the combined years before and since. Overall I managed to play well with the other kids. I learned to brush off the passive aggressive jabs that I had become accustom to having for lunch - for the most part.  

There were a few conflicts which I chose to engaged in with way too much vigor.

The delicate art of assertively setting and maintaining boundaries came slowly.  Rather, I spent many nights plotting revenge on those who I was convinced were picking on me. Ultimately I resorted to guerilla tactics. 

I would spend an entire week crafting an e-mail to be concise,  hard-hitting and full of double meaning and deniability. I fuelled fires with with phrases such as: "I understand how difficult ... I am happy to assist with ...  complex issues for a person of your .... given your limited ..." 

My objective was to exact revenge while maintaining deniability. 

At exactly 4:25 on Friday afternoon. I would send the e-mail, turn off my computer and go home for the weekend. I would be the last this the recipient would see before their weekend. They were left unable to respond. Monday they would be apoplectic. 

A little, little man   

Ultimately that job crashed into a mountain and I was eaten in the ensuing weeks. I will always be grateful for that experience. I was in the most precarious social situation I could imagine. As a result I have never since found a personality conflict I am unable to rise above. 

From this experience, I developed the single best strategy to promote peaceful relations with the Humans. I sleep on it - that's it. I don't react in the moment I go home and let it sit for a night. Almost all the time the problem resolves itself as I sleep. When it doesn't I am able to find a way to resolve it with out bloodshed or viscous e-mail campaigns. 

I still write e-mails to resolve resentments but I have my wife proofread them first. 

Today I know that I need to play well with the other kids. It's just not worth the price I pay. Besides, I need all the energy I have to be the best husband and father I can be.  I don't have the luxury of nursing resentments. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

The reason I went on this rant today was because I have been on a YouTube safari this past week checking out slam poetry and spoken word recitals. I was looking for inspiration from my own poetry and trying to get a feel for what goes on out there in the world. I even thought I could see where my place might be...  

The Edge of Disputes

My wife and I get along pretty good - for a married couple. As much as we like each other we do get into arguments from time to time. For the most part we are able to avoid arguing because we are rarely both crazy at the same time. Usually when one gets crazy the other one can put on the grown up hat and take one for the team.

Every once in a while, however, our crazy lines up. Then there's really no out. We will both be stressed-out or over-tired, or whatever it is that triggered crazy, and something ridiculous will set off the argument. 

The other day I was chasing a deadline and rushing to get some work done after a night of no sleep with 15 cups of coffee in me. Concurrently my wife had been up all night wrestling with our 6 month old who is breast feeding and and teething at the same time - using her nipple as both a milk dispenser and a teething ring (ouch).

We were both at our wits end and to top it off our 6 year old got a bladder infection. System failure. So, genius that I am, I say something to the effect that our daughter wouldn't be sick if only my wife didn't do this or did more of that. It is so ridiculous that I can't even remember the logic. In this case I was clearly being a dick head. Now in order to keep this from escalating to the next level one of two things had to happen:

1.  I had to immediately apologize for what I said and take it back, or
2. She had to immediately forgive me and understand I was having a moment.

On a good day both of these thing would have happened. On an average day one of us would have stepped up and diffused the bomb. But on this day, when crazy was running the house, we both dug in our heels. So we stomped and mumbled and pouted for a while and ultimately went to our seperate corners and came out hugging. 

In the end reason did prevail. I apologized and she forgave me and we lived happily ever after. Wouldn't it be great if we could bypass the shenanigans and find a fail proof way from stopping these disputes in their tracks? Often it is only a well placed word that is the difference between a tense moment and complete system failure. When I asked my 6 year-old daughter what we could do to stop crazy in it's tracks she shrugged and said; "well Dad, you guys should just not argue in the first place". 

Now why didn't we think of that?

Respectfully, From the Edge...

The Edge on Writing

I seem to be constantly defining and then redefining myself here on "Notes from the Edge". I don't know what that's like from your end but from where I'm sitting it's exhausting. I tend to write from the heart and let the keyboard do the thinking as it were. From a strategic perspective, however, I also want to know what it is that I am writing about and who it is that I am writing to so I can organize my efforts accordingly. 

I declared myself a professional writer on January 01, 2013. In reality, I have been making my living off my laptop for the last 15 years or more. This is my personal Blog - I don't selling anything here and I never will (there may come a day when you will see advertising in my sidebar but I promise - no pop ups and no soliciting. This is where I share my experiences and thoughts with the world.

As for a definition so far I have come up with: 

"'Notes from the Edge' is about me, Sam Edge, sharing my experience, strength and hope with the other Humans about how I get along in the World by trying to do the next right thing."

So, I have been writing as a professional for awhile now. It has become part of who I am, part of my  experiences - since this is where I share my experiences I thought I would share how that's been going so far.

I am still feeling out the freelance writing landscape - and it is a jungle out there. Up until January, I took on all kinds of other project responsibilities including the report writing and business communications. Translating this into viable freelance experience has been challenging. The job boards are very competitive. I have been offered as low as $1 for 500 words. This would equal between $10 and $50 a week. The crazy thing is there is competition out there at this price. 

I have managed to earn a few thousand dollars freelancing since I made my declaration in January.  This has come from online job boards like Elance, Guru and Craigs List. I would say I am running about 5% of what I apply for on these sites. At this rate of approval this is tough slugging - I am spending more time applying for work than writing. 

I had to set a minimum that I am willing to work for. For me anything less  than 10 cents a word is just not worth it. The two sites I have added recently are Freelance Switch and Funds For Writers. Freelance Switch cost $7 a month and there aren't a million jobs, but the ones they do have are decent paying and there isn't 500 people bidding at 5 cents a page. FFW has newsletters and gives "freelance markets tips" these are direct contact with magazines and periodicals that publish freelance writing. The pay is good - between 10 cents to $2 / word. To make it in this industry you have to break into these markets.

The biggest problem I have is the sheer volume of information out there it is so easy to get sidetracked and spend a whole day wading through websites with no results. I also have the two blogs where I post my opinion, poetry and short stories. As I said earlier, this blog is where I can share pieces of myself trying to help others and establishing a bit of a presence on the web. My other blog Collateral Damn-Edge is purely for the love of writing. Lately I have been doing more pieces but short ones - mostly poems. This is vital for preventing atrophy of my writing muscles - and I love it. I love the English langaue and how ofter all these years there are still incalculable combinations of words and punctuation that have never been done ... yet. I believe: 

"the right words, in the right order at the right time can change the world".  

I don't think I heard that anywhere else, but it could have been said before - until I find another person who claims this I am taking credit.... and you can quote me.

The point I was trying to make is that between looking for work and writing for fun there's not much left over for making money. I am still working on the whole balance thing in my life. My experience is that I have to make all these mistakes at least once. I very much appreciate the veteran writer who takes their time to advise us newbies and offer direction.  So in turn I will share the bits of useful information as it comes my way. 

The good news for writers is that there is an abundance of freelance writing work out there and hardworking competent writers will always be in demand. I love writing this blog and I will continue to do so freely and as authentically as I can along with my poetry and fiction on the sister blog "Collateral Damn-edge". I am always nagging my readers to leave Comments - its the only way I know I'm not talking to myself. If you don't like commenting you can just click the gadget on the sidebar menu that looks says:

"me + you = us"

Sorry about the long post but I do think that we as a community need to stick together by sharing our experiences. Plus what do you expect - a short post? I am a writer  after all...

Respectfully from the Edge

The Edge on Easter

Happy Easter,

Looking out my office window today :)

Easter is my favourite holiday. Not because I now live in a Christian house - which I do. I married a very Christian wife and I became a Christian by default. I don't attend the services much - I call myself "Christian Light" or  a "Decaffeinated Christian" - but I do believe in God and the trinity. Where I get in trouble with my Christian brothers is I also believe in the Buddha and the Native American Creator and even some of the ideas around Intelligent Design. Even if you're not Christian, the Easter Story has a lot of relevant meaning. 

For years I thought Easter was when Jesus came out of his cave and if he saw his shadow it was 6 weeks until spring.

My wife informed me that's not the case. It about rebirth. Well that's not much of a stretch. All I have to do is look out my window to be see rebirth. In my corner of the World we are melting out from under the last bits of winter this time of year. In some corners of the World there is no winter, and that must be cool to a certain degree, but I like my four seasons. 

Winter makes Spring better. 

For me it is nature that defines Spring and rebirth. The Sun gets stronger and warmer,  the plants and trees get greener and brighter, flowers start growing and the animals are waking up from their hibernation and coming into the valleys to drink from melting lakes and streams and have their babies ... 

It is rebirth - and it's my favourite time of year - the Christian story about Jesus rising from the dead fits nicely with all this.

Most doctors will only allow their patients to stop taking depression medication in spring because it is when people's spirits are the highest and depression levels are the lowest. I get seasonally depressed - but for me it's in the Summer because I've got my winter fat and I don't look too good in a bathing suit anymore :s 

Easter is a good time of year for Mulligans - or  Do-overs. We get a nice four-day weekend to reflect on how our year is going so far. Its been a few months since New Years resolution and maybe we aren't where thought we'd be.  Easter is the time for new beginnings so why not cut ourselves some slack today. Take a little inventory of where we are and where we want to be and start over - reset starting .... NOW! I've come to understand suffering is optional. 

So today I'm opting out of suffering. 

Hey, I still have eight months left in the year to take it all back but a fresh start today won't hurt. Who knows maybe it will even stick. So, anyways, happy Easter Folks! Enjoy some family time, easter bunny chocolate, turkey and don't forget to give yourself a break.

Respectfully From the Edge.

The Edge of Irish ..

Happy St Patrick day! I hope you all found something green to wear today. 

I was thinking about how we identify ourselves and what it really means to be Irish. I call myself Irish mostly because being Irish is cool lately - not so much a hundred years ago. But really the only nationality I can identify myself with is a Canadian and even that is questionable because my father was born in London England. The truth is I am quite the mutt - although there is definitely a British Island theme to my genealogy. 

So, here it goes - I am:

1. British
2. Irish
3. Scottish 
4. Welsh
5. German

Which makes me an arrogant, alcoholic, cheapskate with a quick temper and a superiority complex. My one Grandpa was mostly Irish but ironically he came from Manchester England.  Basically the Brits came over to Ireland and took his shit and put him to work in the coal mines, or so the story goes. 

I'm not sure what any of this really means but when we get to that point of our life where we really start questioning who we are, this whole lack of national identity doesn't help. Being Canadian doesn't make it any clearer. 

We Canadians are defined by our lack of definition. 

So when people ask me what Nationality I am I have been saying Irish - but technically I'm Irish-ish. I am really just as British - maybe even more so. But after Braveheart who wants to be British - thanks for that Mel Gibson.  

I've written before about being "fragmented". This whole idea that in different circumstances we act different to try to fit in with the other Humans. Over the years this fragmentation takes it's toll on our identity and we can lose ourselves in the Mythology we have created when trying to define ourselves.

The antithesis of fragmentation is individuation - the reconciliation of the fact that we are defined as a sum of our parts - not any one random piece of the puzzle. The truth is that I'm not any one of these Nationalities - I'm all of them.  I'm not Irish per say - but being Irish is part of who I am. We are all a unique combination of biology, genealogy, experiences and reactions that has never been put together in exactly the same way as it has in you or me. 

Thank God for that!  

This is the core of "Notes from the Edge" - it is my attempt to explain Life from the outside looking in. As an individual, unique in every way, constructed by a series of random events, I am the sum of those events - this Chaos. Embracing this Chaos as my true Creator, giving up on fighting and vainly trying to control conditions beyond control is the path to freedom from the bondage of Self. It is how I am able to exist in peace and harmony with my surroundings and the  other Humans. 

So, happy St Patricks Day whether your Irish or Irish-ish or just another Misfit trying to get through the day as best you can. 

In honor of my Irish Grandpa I'll leave you with this Old Irish Verse

May the roads rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sunshine warmly on your face.

And the rains fall softly upon your fields.

And until we meet again

May God hold you 

In the palm of His hand. 

Respectfully from The Edge.

The Edge on Reconciliation

There is a huge difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. 

One of my early posts in my Notes from the Edge was on forgiveness. You can follow the link and have a look but I basically explore the idea that we, as Humans, need to forgive to get past the wreckage of our pasts and also to overcome the guilt and shame that is associated with our own wrong doings that may require forgiveness.

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" sums it up nicely.

The thing about forgiveness is that we can do it in isolation of the other Humans - it is between us and Our Creator / The Universe / God / god. There is peace that comes from forgiveness and there is no question it is a noble pursuit - but we can forgive completely and still have broken relationships. The relationship may stay broken because, even though there is true forgiveness, there is not reconciliation.

Reconciliation involves both parties of the wrong that required forgiveness to get together and "reconcile" their differences.

This can be tricky. I can forgive but still acknowledge that the person who wronged me is in the wrong and although they are forgiven their actions are still not condoned. It only requires an act of passive benevolence to forgive. To reconcile we need a willing partner - we also need to be willing. 

Do we want to be right or happy?

If we want to be happy it is not important to beat a confession out of the other party - we may be able to rise above the situation and be an agent of reconciliation. But we must be careful not to sell ourselves out here. As humans we deserve closure on wrongs done and that closure is in the hands of those that wronged us. 

We run the risk of exposing ourselves to further wrongs, even abuse, by chasing after unattainable closure. 

Ultimately we have to make that call. When reconciliation is attainable I believe that we need to do everything we can to achieve it. When it's not we need to throw in the towel early and not "throw good money after bad" as it were.

We shouldn't let the vain pursuit of reconciliation undermine the good works we have accomplished in forgiveness. 

When we are dealing with primary relationships this is difficult - to let go of closure. To accept that there is no hope for reconciliation. This is emotionally charged territory and we are unlikely to make good decisions all the time. We should step back a,nd borrow a page from the Alcoholics Saying:

God, Grant me the Serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can 

and the wisdom to know the difference

Respectfully, from the Edge

The Edge on Fatherhood

I enjoyed the Misfit Trilogy and muddling my way though the idea "fitting in". Writing about some of my experiences in "Notes from the Edge"  and some of my fictions in "Collateral Damn-edge", (or is it the other way around?) has become a journey of self discovery and changed perceptions. Invariably when I try to report to you folks something about myself - it's not something I already knew - it is new information that I uncover about myself and the World around me during the writing process. 

When I transfer thoughts from my brain to the page, I realize how little I really know and understand about myself. 

Sempei ... Sempei

Every time I write a post it's as much of a surprise to me as anyone else where I end up. When I started this post, for instance, I was going to write about being a father. That's why I called it "The Edge of Fatherhood". Now I have only have a couple hundred words left to get on topic. I suppose I could wait until the post is written before I commit to a title .. but I don't. I stubbornly force feed my post some sentences that link up with my title. Now that's a Misfit.

I re-read my Misfit Trilogy today and realized that it was loaded with new information. So many of my thoughts are based on old ideas and I have truly come to appreciate it when new ones pop up. During the few days when I was writing my Misfit posts, circling around the topic, I changed some of my perceptions.

Not earth shattering, epiphany type changes ... tweaks. 

As I muddle, trudge and stumble my way though life, trying to do the next right thing, that's really what its come down to ... tweaks. Small and conscious changes in my perceptions and understandings that make my life better and make me a better father, writer and yes even a better misfit. I am starting to finally play well with the other Misfits. This ability to change perceptions is not easy to come by. I have certain old ideas that I have been locked up in for years - Some I still am and others it's a work in progress. But even though these ideas are old and sometimes unhealthy they are comfortable - I know what I'm up against. New ideas don't feel right - they're like new clothes all stiff and scratchy. I had to be beat into a state of reasonableness by Life to become willing to take on these new ideas and break them in.

Circumstance rather than virtue is the Story of my Life. 

After all the complicated self-examination and lofty verbiage I have a "new idea". I have come to the grand conclusion that I should treat Life the way I want to be treated. I should do to Life what I want Life to do to me.  This sounds strangely familiar. I am pretty sure I've heard this before...

I receive compassion when I act compassionately - respect when I act respectfully.

I lost this basic bit of Life along the way some how. I may be a Misfit but no more than the next guy. Life is messy and unpredictable and we all have to find our way. When I embrace the messiness and just keep trudging things go well and when I try to figure it out and fix it - not so much.

If I can help my kids figure this out a little quicker than I did I would be getting a little "Edge on Fatherhood"?

Respectfully from the Edge.

The Edge on LIfe - Part 3

This is the final instalment of my Three Part Post on "The Edge of Life". So far we have discussed mostly what I call the Misfit Paradigm. That is, that there is a group of Humans that have this inherent feeling that they do not fit - Mistfits. 

This inherent feeling is elusive and unshakable and manifests itself in this particular Misfit as restlessness, discontentment and an inescapable feeling that there is something missing - something more out there.

Photo Credit: www.onlineradio.hk

Jeff Goins' book "Wrecked: When a Broken World Slams into Your Comfortable Life" is based on young people working in some of the poorest parts of the world and how they become Wrecked from the experience (among other things).

He describes being Wrecked as follows:

".. to be “wrecked” ... means to have a redemptive transformation, often catalyzed by a brush with the pain of a dying world... being wrecked means that everything you believe about this world, yourself, and your destiny is now in question. Because you’ve seen something larger..."

As a Misfit I immediately identified with being "Wrecked". I have always had a deep sense of something larger, of the inequities in our dying world and how the priorities of our consumer culture have become distorted. 

In my case this knowledge did not lead to a noble pursuit such as working with missionaries in poverty stricken regions - I took a more classic, rebellious approach - such as lighting poop-filled paper bags on fire and running away. Rather than providing service I engaged in conflict. My heart was in the right place but I was acting out of anger and frustration rather than adding value with tolerance and compassion.  

As a result my Misfit status took a negative connotation and my conflict with the Humans became more acute. As a twenty-something I was spinning my tires in frustration. The ineffectiveness of my approach had become apparent. 

My Newest Misfit

My "redemptive transformation" came after I was already Wrecked. I came to understand that I needed to move towards the positive rather than away from the negative. 

This simple change in thinking marked a profound paradigm shift. My ability to affect change increased exponentially. I went back to school and became educated far beyond my intelligence.  I found a career in Community Development working in Rural Indigenous Communities building houses, playgrounds and employment opportunities. I created a successful consulting business, a home and a family. I became part of the solution - being a Wrecked Misfit, once my greatest weakness, became my most valuable asset.

Don't get me wrong, freedom from the shackles of negativity is a work in progress. I learn the hard way and I seem to make every mistake at least once. My Uncle once called me "the King of Adversity". I took this as a great compliment. I didn't bother to point out that I created most of my own adversity. My ex recently described me as a "train wreck" ... well she's half right. 

This is how I am Wrecked and why I don't fit - and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Today I am moving in the right direction. I embrace the Misfit Paradigm as the heart and soul of my internal compass. I root for the underdog and listen to those with no voice. I believe the strong should protect the weak, not eat them (well not all of them). When I stumble and give into one of my litany of shortcomings I am able to draw on the experience of those Misfits who went before me, dust myself off and move on. More often than not I am better for the experience. I believe that there is a relationship between my ability to fail and succeed - and as a result I embrace both success and failure. 

Life is short and there is allot of work to do. There is no time to waste on the small stuff.

Through this Three Part Post I have moved through some of the big chunks of who I am and what I believe.

I hope some of you Misfits can relate. 

I mentioned in the first installment of this series that my Blog Title is riddled with double meaning. Parts 1 & 2 were titled "The Edge of Life". The underlying meaning being, as a Misfit, I have felt I am on the outside looking in on much of Life. This 3rd and final Part is Titled "The Edge on Life". The underlying meaning is that with our new perceptions of being a Wrecked Misfit we now have an advantage, or an Edge, on Life.

Watch this short video if you've ever doubted yourself ...

Respectfully, From the Edge.

The Edge of Life - Part 2

My all Time Favourite Misfit

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Albert Einstein 

When I started Blogging and attempting to build an online community I ran into the idea of a "Tribe". Bloggers that I aspire to be like when (and if) I grow up including Seth Godin, Jeff Goins, The Robert D and all those crazy talented content writers over at Copyblogger talk about their Tribe to describe the Global Online Community.

A Tribe forms by attraction to clearly presented and well thought out ideas and experiences written by Bloggers. These Tribes give life to a writer's work and ultimately become the driving force behind it.

For Misfits a Tribe can be extremely powerful.

The formation of a Tribe can alleviate some of the long term personal fragmentation and self-doubt built up over years of feeling "I don't fit". As a members of this Tribe, I am now able to focus more energy on being what God intended me to be:  a parent, spouse, friend, protector, provider and Human

I have more energy to be the best Sam I can be and focus on doing the next right thing.

A small Tribe is gathering around Notes from the Edge. I seem to be slowly attracting this Tribe of Misfits through nothing more than the development of Authentic and Experiential Content.

I found that I am not the only one in the Blogosphere who identifies with a Tribe of Misfits. Jeff Goines, wrote a short e-book entitled the Misfit Manifesto. I was forwarded a free copy of the Manifesto by joining +Jeff Goins' site.

The Manifesto not only embraced what I have come to call the Misfit Paradigm but also the concept being Wrecked., In fact, The Misfit Manifesto was a launching pad to Jeff's Book, Wrecked: When a Broken World Slams Into Your Comfortable Life. The content of Jeffs writing closely mirrored my thoughts and feelings about my world view and value system. 

As I continuing on with this series of posts on the "Edge of Life" I will examine what it means to be Wrecked. how this relates to being a Misfit, and how this is working in my life and helping me in my ongoing efforts to do the Next Right Thing.

I would encourage you to read Jeff's Free E-book and if that makes sense to you read Wrecked available on his website Here.

I will send a copy of the E-book to my mailing list. It is a great read and only a couple of thousand words in lenght. If you are not on my e-mail list, please join my site by entering your e-mail in the "Follow by E-mail" Widget at the top of the right hand side bar and I will send an digital copy to you. Alternatively you can go to goinswriter.com and download it yourself.

Jeff has another great free e-book called the Writers Manifesto - which is basically a call to action for writers and available for download on his site.

As I wrote this Post it occurred to me that I have very openly referred my readers as Wrecked Misfits and this may not be a s flattering to others as it is to me.

Bear with me -  the Edge on Life is intended to be a three or four Post Series series. I am hoping that being a Wrecked Misfit will become something we will proudly identify ourselves with and even form a community bond around this idea once properly explored..

The Question I post to you ... If we get enough Misfits together doesn't that make THEM THE MISFITS!!!!!. 

The Misfit Revolution?

Ummm unlikely, but a great segway into to this song by another misfit.

To be continued ...

Respectfully, from the Edge

The Edge of LIfe - Part 1

"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" Dr Suess

I don't "fit in".

It is a theme that has run throughout my life and been a driving force behind many of my successes and failures.  Not fitting in has become such a profound part of how I see myself that I have rated it in my top three self-identifying qualities.

"Sam Edge - Father, writer and misfit." 

My Blog title "Notes from the Edge" is loaded with personal double meanings. Most obviously it refers to me "Sam Edge - the Edge" writing notes. It refers to the Edginess of my Blog and overall personality. It can refer to gaining an advantage or "an Edge on" life. It can also refers to me writing "from the Edge of" life - or from the outside looking in. This last meaning ties into the "misfit paradigm" that I have adopted and the general subject of this post. 

As a self described "Misfit" I don't spend a lot of time at the meaty part of the curve, so to speak. Being either slightly ahead or behind the curve (depending on your perspective) is something that I have been aware of for as long as I can remember. I have done all kinds of crazy things to "fit in". I never really knew exactly what I was trying to fit into - I just knew I didn't fit. 

More recently I have found some peace with my Misfit status. In fact, I have come to embrace it. As I stumble down the road of individuation and self-discovery I have identified that there are other Misfits out there. Self-proclaimed and otherwise.  There appears to be a community of self identified Misfits emerging as bizarre and somewhat oxymoronic (pretty sure that's not a word - until now) phenomenon.

These Misfits hail from all corners of the world and exhibit varied experiences and values. The common thread that binds this community is they do not generally prescribe the same values and  conventions as the majority of Humans. For example, faced with the following standard: 

"Get out of High school, go to College, get married, 2.4 Kids and off ya go ..." (This is not a bad thing, by the way, it's just a thing)

A Misfit will likely respond to this proposal with a blank, uninterested look and some comment like: "Is that really important."

The majority of the Humans would call him a misfit, no job, no home, no family, no education - but he becomes inspired by Lance Armstrong and ends up taking the most nontraditional path back to the "mother ship".... So really who knows. In this case being a mistfit opened up door of opportunity that would otherwise not been available.

To be continued ...

Respectfully, from the Edge

The Edge of Expectation

"My happiness is directly proportional to my expectations."

It would be nice if people, places and things did what I expected them to do. Placing any sort of expectations on the Humans and their erratic behaviour is especially precarious. The closer our relationship is to the Human in question the more currency the expectation carries.

We all want to be treated with respect. If some schmo walking down the street doesn't smile  back at me when I walk by I may be mildly irritated at the rude behaviour - but it will be fleeting and mild.  Now if I tell a girl I am dating I love her and she asks me to pass the ketchup I will lose sleep and my feelings will be intense and unpleasant. This is because I had an expectation of how she would behave. 

When we do something to make another person feel better with no expectation of reward we are acting out of what I call Authentic Love.  If I walk passed my child's door and I see that her blanket has fallen off I sneak into the room very quietly and pull the blanket up over her so she is warm and feels safe. I take great pleasure in this and I have no expectation of reward.  In fact, not getting caught is essential.

For me, the inverse relationship between expectation and happiness is most acute in the Family. I have heard it said that "anyone who had parents suffered some form of abuse". Most of us have some sort of weird little neurosis related to our parents and our expectation of how we should be treated.  This peculiar and common tension is further complicated by differences in values and respect indicators created by personality differences and generation gaps.

I believe that all Humans have the right to be respected. In fact, I demand a certain level of respect from those who I allow in my life. This presents another problem with family - we didn't choose them. So when my expectation of respect is not being met I'm forced to ride out the relationship to the bitter and miserable end.

Or am I?

When our expectation of respect is not met in a relationship that we are born into we have to rise above that expectation. I do this by doubling down on Authentic Love. Authentic Love fill's the hole left by my unmet expectations. In fact, sometimes the expectation fades away completely. 

The act of committing random, secret acts of Authentic Love is the antidote for unmet expectations. And here's the secret - these acts don't even have to be perpetrated on the same Humans that are not meeting your expectation of respect. Any Human will do - the more deserving the better.

There is a magic that happens when we incorporate Authentic Love into our lives. The importance of the expectation fades and sometimes goes away entirely. Sometimes we suddenly realize our expectations are being met and when they are not we are able to feel compassion rather than resentment. 

Eventually they will come around. In the mean time with all of us in the Edgosphere running around committing random acts of Authentic Love the World will be a better place! So keep you're head up folks and when the Humans fall short of your expectations just Smile and Wave.

Respectfully, From the Edge

The Edge of Civilization

The Edge of Service

Happy Hump day from the Edge -  hope all your Hump-related activities go as intended.

Just a quick heads up to my readers. I will be away from my computer  and out of the service area for the first week or so of February. Turns out I have to get a job to support my new writing career - not an uncommon story from what I can gather - but hardly significant. I'm still trying to figure out if its: "hi my name is Sam what can I get for you today" or "Our specials are ... and I'l be your server Sam."

I should be able to figure this out.

Since I live approximately two and a half hours from the middle of nowhere internet service can be tricky.

The picture to the above and to the right is my Wife - Wenona walking along the Chilcotin Sand Dunes in Central British Columbia. Yes its as cool as it looks - and yes eventually I stopped the truck and let her in.

"No Cell Phones Dude"

Once I am done paying my dues, so to speak, I will be back - Edgy, Edgey and Authentic and ready to Post up a storm. Until then, keep your stick on the ice, your heads up and don't take any wooden nickels... or something like that.

I alway wonder if that was some kind of depression era problem - people getting convinced to use wooden nickels? Was this a WWII response to lack of Alloys for minting the 5 cent piece? For the record I would prefer to have a wooden nickel than a wooden leg or a wooden personality. At my age "wood", in general, is considered a good thing.

Respectfully, from the Edge.

The Edge of Significance

Photo from: www.phatstartup.com

Shortly after I started my Blog “Notes From the Edge”, I wrote a post on Success. In this post I touched on the idea that we move through the following series of stages in our professional lives (The Four S’s):

Survival à Stability à Success à Significance.

Success was not identified as an end - but a means by which a life of significance could be achieved. At the time I was sitting on a decaying throne of success and significance built on fifteen years of hard work and dedication as a Community Development Manager and Consultant.  It was my grand plan to transfer the significance I had earned in Community Development to the pursuit of my new career as a writer.

Apparently it doesn’t work that way.

I am pretty sure I knew that. Despite this knowledge, when you are used to a certain amount of recognition and acclamation in one field there is an expectation, or at least a hope, that this will follow you into your next endeavor.  It would be nice if we could skip passed the messy inconveniences of survival and stability and go straight to success and significance. There is a reason, however, why the road from survival to significance is set out as a progression.

The progression through the Four S’s is a Rite of Passage, of sorts, for Significance.

It takes a certain amount of humility to achieve true significance. Humility can be defined as “a modest opinion of one’s own importance, rank or position” or “the absence of arrogance.” I am not a particularly humble person by nature. I would prefer a stunning failure to a mediocre victory.

Humility comes hand in hand with the mediocrity and anonymity associated with new beginnings.

Trudging day in and day out, with determination and purpose, while building the talent, inventory and credibility required for significance is just like real work. I have always been an excellent builder and a terrible administrator. Over the last fifteen years I have spent ten years building significance and five years being significant … (and humble?)

Then I got bored, “reinvented myself” and - back to trudging.

My experience now shows me that the journey through the Four S’s is not a linear process but more of an upward spiral. The price of admission is lower and the path is less resistant now, as I work towards significance for the second (or is this the third?) time.  I am wiser and more efficient in spite of myself. I have learned not to make the same mistakes twice (definitely not three times). I now realize that it is in the trenches where I shine - slugging it out in the pursuit of something better. Maybe I’ll see you there.

Trudging towards Significance.

Respectfully,

Sam Edge