The Edge on Father / Daughter Relationships

According to my family mythology surrounding parenting, boys teach mothers and girls teach fathers. I'm sure there are exceptions, however, it has enough credibility to survive a few generations, especially with my First Nations (Native Canadian) relatives. The fact that I have three daughters certainly supports this notion. I call it a Myth because it really has no grounding in scientific or measurable facts, yet it explains events that are beyond our control.

My girls are, by far, my greatest teachers. 

The most intense relationship, for lack of a better word, is with my twelve year old. She is the product of a previous relationship that fell apart shortly after she was born. Her mother was younger than me. The responsibility of motherhood was too much for her at the time. As a result, I took on most of the parenting responsibility for the first ten years. My first daughter my "Starter Child", teaching me to parent through trial and error. 

My parenting philosophy is to ensure the child grows up feeling safe and loved at all times and above all else (and not to let her be the stinky kid in school). 

By ensuring she felt safe and loved growing up we now have a strong and healthy relationship that can weather life's obstacles. 

If you have followed my blogs or read my books, you will know I use my life's experience as the foundation for my writing. I believe that lessons learned from trial and error have weight and depth. Further, the more work that a particular lesson requires the more valuable it is. I don't share my experience until I have reached some sort of internal resolution. My writing objective is not to use the world as a sounding board while I work out life's challenges. (Although the writing process can lead to amazing self discovery). My writing objective is to help others by sharing what I learned from life's challenges once I have worked through them.  

In 2012 I lost a bitter custody dispute. My oldest went to live with her mother, nine hours away. In the course of 24 hours my family was chopped by twenty-five percent. Working through this has been simultaneously the most difficult and most rewarding experiences of my near half-century on the planet. This reaffirms one of my core beliefs that:

Difficult times are opportunities to become better, stronger and faster than before. 

As a direct result of this dispute, we have a co-parenting agreement where my daughter is able to rebuild the relationship with her mother while maintaining her connection to me, my wife and her sisters. Although, the role I will play in her teenage years is not what I had expected, or wanted, things have turned out just fine, if not even better, for her (shhhhhh, don't tell my ex I said that). It is a crushing blow to my male pride and ego to have to take a back seat to her mom in the parenting for the next few years; however, it is her happiness, not mine, that I am concerned with. In the end she will have a balanced upbringing with the benefit of a close tie to both parents. 

In retrospect, it was the family mythology of daughters teaching fathers that I leaned on to make it through the dark times of dispute and separation anxiety. It gave me faith that everything would work out. I was able to actively seek out the hidden lessons and be grateful for them as they manifested. It is a perfect example of the Power of Myth that I have been writing about recently. 

In times of crisis we lean on our stories to overcome the fear of the unknown - we are even willing to suspend logic.

Currently, my Daughter is with me for three weeks over Christmas. It's been a tough eighteen months for the poor kid and she's a little shell-shocked from it all. I have years of practice working through the tough times, she doesn't. For the first few days of her visit she was stand-offish and tense. The conflict between her parents had taken an obvious toll. It was like she was waiting for something bad to happen. Waiting for me to drag her into the conflict she desperately wants no part of.

I sat her down and explained that we were both grieving since our relationship changed and getting used to idea that life is going to unfold differently than we'd expected. I told her "different" could be hard and scary but it was up to us how it turned out. 

I ensured her things could be better than ever if we worked together. 

I told her I was just figuring things out as I went along and if something I did made her feel uncomfortable or sad she should speak up. I told her it was okay for her to grieve in her own way too and if she had any questions she should ask. Most of all I told her we should take it easy on each other and remember deep down that we love each other and we're on the same side. I ended by sharing the family myth about her being my teacher and thanked her for all she'd done for me.

It was like turning on a light. You could see her changing from low to high frequency as the fear and anxiety melted away.  Gone was the fear of the unknown - she felt safe and loved. Since then the tension is gone and our connection is even stronger than before. These are the lessons that stick with us. They are even better when we can share them. 

In moments like this, being a parent is the best and most important thing I've ever done.

Kind Regards, Sam Edge