The Edge on Parenting: Advise for Fathers with Daughters

Of all my life's experiences, it is my family, and specifically my daughters, that have given me the most to write about. According to my family's mythology surrounding parenting, sons teach mothers and daughters teach fathers. So it follows that a father who has a lot to learn will be blessed with more daughters.

I'm on the fence as to how true this is; however, this family folklore has survived a few generations. The fact that I have three daughters clearly supports the notion that a father in need of learning will receive daughters. I can also confirm, without a doubt, that my girls are, by far, my greatest teachers.

Each of my daughters has their own specific talent that is clearly designed to drive me bat-crap-crazy. It is my oldest (thirteen going on thirty) that has taught me the most. She is the product of a previous relationship that fell apart shortly after she was born. The responsibility of parenting was too much for her mother at the time. As a result, I took on most of the parenting responsibility for the first ten years. She was my "starter child", teaching me to parent through trial by fire.

My parenting philosophy was, and is, to ensure the child grows up feeling safe and loved at all times and above all else. As a result we now have a strong and healthy relationship that can weather life's obstacles. Also, despite the fractured family life she had growing up she is as well adjusted and happy a teen as you would hope to find.

In 2012, I lost a bitter custody dispute and she went to live with her mother. In a matter of hours my family was chopped by twenty-five percent. Working through this challenge has been the most difficult and most rewarding experience of my life. This confirms one of my core beliefs, that difficult times are opportunities to become better, stronger and faster than before.

As a direct result of this dispute, we have a co-parenting agreement where my daughter is able to rebuild the relationship with her mother while maintaining her connection to my wife, her sisters and me. Although, the role I will play in her teenage years is not what I had expected, or wanted, things have turned out just fine, if not even better, for her (don't tell my ex I said that).

It is a crushing blow to my male pride and ego to have to take a back seat to her mother in the parenting for the next few years; however, it is my daughters happiness, not mine, that matters. In the end, she will have a balanced upbringing with the benefit of a close tie to both parents.

It was the family mythology of daughters teaching fathers that helped me through the dark times of conflict and dispute. It gave me faith that everything would work out. I was able to looks for the hidden lessons and be grateful for them as they manifested.

I found that in times of crisis we lean on our stories, our family mythologies and traditions, to overcome the fear of the unknown. We are even willing to suspend logic for a justifiable diversion to help us make sense of our lives during times of crisis.

My daughter was just home for a visit. It's been a tough eighteen months for the poor kid. She's a little shell-shocked from it all. I have years, decades even, of practice working through the tough times - she doesn't. For the first few days of her visit she was stand-offish. The bitter conflict between me and her mother had taken its toll.

There's no instruction manual for this stuff (not that I'd read it anyways). So I sat her down and spoke to her from the heart. I explained that we were both grieving. Our relationship had been changed and it was going to take time getting used to the idea that life is going to unfold differently than we'd expected. I told her "different" could be hard and scary but it was up to us how it turned out. I assured her things could be better than ever if we worked together.

I told her I was just figuring things out as I went along and if something I did made her feel uncomfortable or sad she should speak up. I told her it was okay for her to grieve in her own way and if she had any questions she should ask. Most of all I told her we should take it easy on each other and remember deep down that we love each other and we're on the same side. I even found some words of praise for her mother to ease the tension around that rocky relationship.I ended our little caucus by sharing the family story about daughters teaching fathers. Then I thanked her for all she'd done for me and gave her a hug. The seed of the family mythology of fathers and daughters was planted in the unlimited pure potential of a new generation. It was now free to grow and flourish in the context of her life.

You could see her change physically from low to high frequency. The fear and anxiety melted away and that familiar feeling of love and safety flowed into place. From then on the tension was gone. Our connection became even stronger than before. And thanks to her I became a better man and a better father.

These are the lessons that stick. They are even better when we can share them. It is in moments like these when I know being a father is the hardest, best and most important thing I will ever do. The value of this experience is immeasurable as are lessons learned from it.

So, that's my advice for fathers with daughters. I hope you found something useful.

Best Sam Edge,

www.edgeonstrategy.com