2015 – Revelation, Restitution & Resolution

My kids have the right to be safe and treated with respect.

My three daughters (ages 2, 7 and 13) are my greatest teachers. Thanks to them, and my Angel of a wife, my life is a never-ending loop of learning, listening and letting go of old ideas - not always in that order.

Kids don’t know they have these basic rights unless we tell them. As a parent it is my job, not only to keep them safe, but also to instill them with the core belief that they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

My oldest daughter is a random bit of perfection - the unintended consequence of a particularly imperfect relationship. After a bitter custody dispute she now lives with my ex - nine hours and a ferry ride away. The adjustment to this new arrangement has been a difficult and painful experience for all involved. Of course, the greatest burden fell on my child, who is least equipped to deal with it.

For me, getting past the resentment and self-incrimination from an embattled custody dispute has been both challenging and rewarding. A reluctant gratitude has slowly replaced the depression, anger and self-pity that once occupied that space. This dark circumstance is now the foundation for a richer, more substantial life as a parent, husband and human being.

As a long distance Dad, I am learning to distill my parenting into weekly phone calls and quarterly visits. This past Christmas she was home for just over two weeks. I had every intention of packing three months of parenting into this time a series of informative lectures and clever anecdotes with subtle double meanings. (Ugh! It can be exhausting being me sometimes)

In the end, I spared her and took a more passive approach.

I decided that listening and spending time with her would be more effective. She’s been through a lot and deserves a break from our broken home. The result was a relaxed and enjoyable visit spending time together. We engaged in light conversations that centered on playful dialogue and banter rather than teaching, lecturing and (not so) clever manipulations.

Towards the end of the visit we got into a spontaneous conversation about personalities, family and relationships. We talked about the assets and challenges of our personalities – the stuff we’re stuck with. We talked about how our assets become challenges if not put to good purpose and how we can create value from challenges.

But most of all we talked about safety and respect.

I found myself saying safety and respect starts with the family. Above all else we deserve safety and respect in our homes.

The bad thing about parental advice is we have to follow it ourselves. Talk is cheap – it is our actions that send the loudest message. As the words came out I flashed to the times I raised my voice in frustration or got short when she would doddle, mumble or ignore me.

I acknowledged the mistakes I made over the years and committed to doing better. Most importantly I open the door for communication. Life is busy and if we aren’t open to feedback, it’s easy to get off track.

But nothing changes if nothing changes.

I asked if there was anything I could do to make her life a little better. Without skipping a beat she said, “Can you and Mom try to get along better?.” My inside voice said, “Couldn’t I just roll around in thumbtacks or watch the Sex and the City movie?”

This is a simple, honest request from a child. According to me, it is a basic human right. I am obligated to be respectful and kind – even when it’s inconvenient. 

I have always been a champion of the underdog. Now I see my girls stand up for those less fortunate. It is this quality that gives me the most pride as a father.

Through the magic process of passive parenting and dialogue, I stumbled onto a simple, but powerful, idea.

“When we are kind and respectful we attract kind and respectful people - unkind and disrespectful people become tiresome and fall from our lives through a process of natural selection."

My Daughter(s) taught me that.

This idea is not a new; however, it is the personal path we travel that creates a quality understanding and helps us put new, and sometime uncomfortable, ideas into action.

The visit ended on the First Day of the Year of our Lord, Two Thousand and Fifteen. Dropping her off was a little less painful than usual. When I gave her mom a hug and wished her a Happy New Year she watched closely from of the corner of her eye … smiling.

Actions speak louder than words.

In the spirit of action and good purpose, I am going to be kinder and more respectful in my relationships with the other humans. When I encounter unkind or disrespectful conditions I will do my best to respond the way my daughter taught me. If it becomes unsafe I will remove my loved ones and myself from the situation – not out of fear, but out of love.

This is also my wish for you.

Best, Sam Edge

The Edge of Reason

"It's beter to keep your mouth shut and have people think you a fool than speak and remove all doubt." Mark Twain et. al.

I attributed the quote above to Mark Twain et. al. as there is some debate as to its genesis. Regardless of origin, this little pearl of wisdom has served me well. When I am unsure of where I stand or, more frequently, when I am not fit for Human consumption, I try to listen more and speak less. 

I learned this lesson only after many years of conflict, trial and error.

For most of my thirties I worked in an office with twenty-five employees. I was the only man. I worked there for seven years. I was in a senior management postion. Any authority I had over my employees was an illusion that I was allowed to entertain from time to time. 

Any true managing that I was able to achieve was through the art of strategic submission. I leaned more about how to get along with the Humans during those years than all the combined years before and since. Overall I managed to play well with the other kids. I learned to brush off the passive aggressive jabs that I had become accustom to having for lunch - for the most part.  

There were a few conflicts which I chose to engaged in with way too much vigor.

The delicate art of assertively setting and maintaining boundaries came slowly.  Rather, I spent many nights plotting revenge on those who I was convinced were picking on me. Ultimately I resorted to guerilla tactics. 

I would spend an entire week crafting an e-mail to be concise,  hard-hitting and full of double meaning and deniability. I fuelled fires with with phrases such as: "I understand how difficult ... I am happy to assist with ...  complex issues for a person of your .... given your limited ..." 

My objective was to exact revenge while maintaining deniability. 

At exactly 4:25 on Friday afternoon. I would send the e-mail, turn off my computer and go home for the weekend. I would be the last this the recipient would see before their weekend. They were left unable to respond. Monday they would be apoplectic. 

A little, little man   

Ultimately that job crashed into a mountain and I was eaten in the ensuing weeks. I will always be grateful for that experience. I was in the most precarious social situation I could imagine. As a result I have never since found a personality conflict I am unable to rise above. 

From this experience, I developed the single best strategy to promote peaceful relations with the Humans. I sleep on it - that's it. I don't react in the moment I go home and let it sit for a night. Almost all the time the problem resolves itself as I sleep. When it doesn't I am able to find a way to resolve it with out bloodshed or viscous e-mail campaigns. 

I still write e-mails to resolve resentments but I have my wife proofread them first. 

Today I know that I need to play well with the other kids. It's just not worth the price I pay. Besides, I need all the energy I have to be the best husband and father I can be.  I don't have the luxury of nursing resentments. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

The reason I went on this rant today was because I have been on a YouTube safari this past week checking out slam poetry and spoken word recitals. I was looking for inspiration from my own poetry and trying to get a feel for what goes on out there in the world. I even thought I could see where my place might be...