The Edge on Success: From Success to Significance

" Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no lack of enthusiasm". Winston Churchill

I have certainly had my share of successes and failures in my life. In fact, failure seems to be a rite of passage to success. I wouldn't want to give the young people the wrong idea - if you can go straight to success and skip the failures by all means ... do that. The point is - don't fear the failures, embrace them, because they make the successes all that much sweeter.

2011 WCK Canadian National Kickboxing Champions

I took a management seminar early in my career where the speaker referred to a progression we move through in our professional lives: from Survival to Stability to Success to Significance.

The idea of a progressive movement through these stages of existence identifies, not only the growth we experience as Humans, but also that success is not an end in itself but a step towards Significance. We all move though this process in our lives with varying speed and efficiency. Significance is where we use lessons learned in Survival and Stability and the resources we acquired through our Successes to give back and help others.

Significance will mean something different to each of us - and it will mean different thing at different times in our lives. For the most part it has to do with giving back that which we have received so abundantly. The metric by which we will gage our Significance will be based on our internal moral compass. The critical point here is that we ought to always move through our lives with the understanding that we are capable of Significance. By acknowledging this we save ourselves from falling into the mediocracy of Stability or the indulgence of Success - both comfortable states in their own right.

Even though we know that we are headed towards Significance, most of us have little or no idea of how this will manifest itself in our lives. An orientation toward goals or a vision based on our internal compass is important. If we narrow it down much more than that we run the risk of selling ourselves short or missing it altogether. It has been my experience that I really don't know what's good for me. My successes have mostly involved me getting out of the way and working hard.

If we are true to our beliefs and put 100% of our attention into doing "the next right thing" in our day to day lives we will move through this process in the most effortless and efficient manner. Conversely the harder we try to project and force this to happen the harder we will work and the end result will be watered down.

As you move though the rest of the day, week, month, year and so on apply 100% of your attention and energy on the task at hand. Focus on those things that support you in your efforts to get more of the things you want in your life. If you find yourself doing something that is working against this end - STOP. Regroup quickly and do something else.

As you look back and take inventory you will see that Significance has manifested in ways far more fulfilling and substantial than you could have ever engineered. This is my experience and has worked for me in a all circumstance over the last thirty years.

Best, Sam Edge

The Edge on Othering

Othering is the phenomenon of one group, usually more dominant, is able to dehumanize another group based on race, gender, religion and political orientation. This process of othering grew from a widely accepted european philosophy Dualism.

Simply put Dualism is the world view that man is separate from his surroundings - and separate from other men (or women) who are different that the dominant group. 

Dualism, in the modern context, comes from sixteenth century French philosopher; Rene Descartes. Cartesian Dualism places doubt onto all that can be doubted and reduces a thing to that which can no longer be doubted. According to Rene, we are supposed to arrive at a cardinal, or undeniable, truth through this process.

From this came existentialism and:  "Cogito ergo sum" or  "I think, therefore I am".  

At the centre of Cartesian Dualism is the mind - which is different from the brain. The mind encompasses the entire person. Descartes could doubt the existence of the physical world, but he could not doubt the idea that his mind existed because the very act of doubting one's existence proves that one actually exists; otherwise, who is doing the doubting? The only thing that Descartes was sure existed was his mind; therefore, the farther away from his mind he got the more doubt as to its existence. (confused?)

Cartesian Dualism influences both religious and secular thinking. It became the root of scientific and legal thought - where nothing is tangible or real until proven to be so. This new thinking took hold during European Colonization and the quest for the New World. Cultures and races that were much different from what had become the ideal human - the caucasian, heterosexual male - were seen as "the Other". The farther from this ideal, the easier it was to dismiss their suffering. By this reasoning, subduing and dominating entire cultures with opposing beliefs, and complexions, was both logical and morally correct. 

The dualist world view clashed with most tribal cultures, who see the world as a web of interconnected systems, and allowed the Colonists to disregard their suffering and even engage in cultural genocide. It is this dualist thinking that lead to mistreatment of indigenous people in the Americas - from the atrocities of Pizarro and Cortez in South America to the annihilation of whole tribes in the U.S. and the legislative and religious abuses in Canada. Parallels can be drawn in Ireland, the Gaza strip, Apartheid and the War on Terrorism. In all of these instances there are elements of the dualist mindset at the heart of the dispute.

To some extent we all have groups we identify with, "Us", and groups we consider to be separate, "Them". This dualist world view feeds off of polarizing views and cultures and breeds contempt and unrest. The effect of dualism over the centuries has given way to a cultural predisposition in humans to what anthropologists call "othering". If we’re feeling guilty about the way we've treated a person, or group of people, and we're having trouble reconciling that guilt with our own moral and ethical code, we resolve these feelings by othering people. When we dehumanize people, we are able to deflect our empathy and justify, or at least tolerate, their mistreatment.  

So, from a Cafe in France to our foreign policy, to our workplace, to our marriage, to our family of origin - we find ways, often subconsciously, to put distance between us and the Other to allow us to conduct ourselves in ways that would be unacceptable to a human of equal standing. We do this as individuals, social groups and societies. 

An extreme example is the mistreatment of people during a war by othering them based on race, religion and political beliefs - think McCarthy inquests or prisoner of war camps. A more common example is the social outcast or black sheep. We are able to subject them to harsher treatment, ridicule and punishment by othering them.

This has been true in my life - I have othered and I have been othered. The great thing about being a human is we can use new information to become better people. Moving forward, I will be alert to the phenomenon of othering - and where I can I will effect positive change.

I found this to be a useful piece of information that helped me make sense of my life - I hope it does the same for you.

Best Sam

The Edge on Conflict (part 1)

Knowing the other, and knowing yourself ~ in one hundred battles on hundred victories. 

Not knowing the other, but knowing yourself ~ one defeat for every victory. 

Not knowing the other or yourself ~ in every battle defeat. Sun Tsu

Colliding World views, or perceptions, cause conflicts. I've written about perceptions, and how they grow from a dialogue between "nature and nurture" - some are learned and others we're born with. Many argue nature or nurture exclusively; however, I favor a dialogue between ideas to arrive at a full picture.

As a student of the humanities, the dialectic model was part of my studies. I've embraced it for twenty years, and used it in my profession often. The problem is; not everyone a) knows about dialectics, or b) agrees with it.

Dialectics came from the social theory of Karl Marx, and lives in the shadow of Communism. The original application was: capitalism (thesis) + communism (antithesis) = socialism (synthesis). As we know, this turned out to be wrong - most of the world, including Russia and China, eventually gave up on Communism and Socialism. The underlying model, however, has many applications.

Thesis + Antithesis = Synthesis

For boomers, who grew up when Communism was seen as a real threat to the western world, a social theory like dialectics can stir deep, emotional, responses. The nature vs nurture argument triggers responses rooted in the evolution vs. creation debate, and we take on all the baggage that comes with it.

The preconception I have towards dialogue was learned - like any other habit. It takes three months to form a habit. It takes the same amount of time for a new idea to take hold. Perhaps this is why semesters are three months long - or a happy coincidence?

When we first encounter a new idea it is uncomfortable - especially when it conflicts with another, existing idea. Most ideas we have today were learned when we were young - often from our families. As a result these ideas can be tough to overcome.

This is certainly true for me. It would take some pretty convincing evidence to change my core belief that a dialectic approach is better than a positional one. This self-awareness however can help me manage and avoid conflict.

Returning to Sun Tsu - if I know I am predisposed to dialogue and my peer is predisposed to positions then I can make the conscious choice run, fight or negotiate as the situation dictates - rather than react blindly based on old, or faulty, information.

One of my central beliefs is: "dialogue is more productive than positional thinking". Not everyone shares this belief and this can create conflict that could be easily avoided. Following my own belief there must be opportunity for dialogue between my core belief and a more positional one. As I write this I can see a certain hypocrisy in my own perception - I am positional about dialogue.

Hmm... I'll have to work on that.

Best Sam
The Edge on Strategy

The Edge of Insanity - Why?

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" Albert Einstein

*** Note: For the purpose of this article the terms "addict" and "alcoholic" are synonymous.

Why?

Just over a week ago Philip Seymour Hoffman did what addicts do - he died. His death struck a very personal chord with me and I have been wrestling with how, or even if, I should react.

There is frustration and anger as we all grasp for meaning from this tragedy. The anger is not being directed at the drugs, his personal problems or any conflicts he may have had. It is being directed where it belongs - towards the disease of addiction itself. A disease the American Medical Association characterizes as a

"chronic dysfunction in the brain memory, reward and motivation circuitry".

In 2012 Hoffman was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with twenty-three years of sobriety. He had a single drink at a celebration for the release of his movie The Master. That one drink opened the floodgates.

Why?

In recovery it is accepted if you don't take the first drink you will never get drunk. Those afflicted with the disease of addiction experience an absolute loss of control once they start. They may stop after a few drinks, a few days, a few months or they may never stop at all. It's like getting hit by a train - it's not the caboose that kills you - its the engine.

Why?

There is no logical reason why any alcoholic drinks or an addict does drugs. They can be depressed, happy, employed, unemployed, loved too much, not loved enough, single child, middle child, spouse left, spouse came back...

Around and around and around it goes as the addict and those in his life ping pong blame back and forth for something none of them understand. Something that doesn't add up. Where blame can't truly be assigned because everyones doing the best they can - as bad as that may be.

When everyone else stops. When all logic points to stopping - the addict just wants more and more until ... oblivion. In spite of level thinking in other areas and seemingly keen personal insight they still take the first drink.

Why?

Hoffman was at the top of his career with a Best Actor Oscar for his role in Capote (2006). He attended the best treatment program in 2013 and had all the support and resources one could imagine. But it wasn't enough. He died alone in his bathroom with over seventy packets of heroin and a needle in his arm.

Why?

Friend and fellow recovering alcoholic Aaron Sorkin wrote an article in Time Magazine where he quotes Hoffman as saying:

"If one of us dies of an overdose, probably 10 people who were about to won't."

His point was that the publicity from his death would serve as a wake up call to other addicts and save lives. In truth, the impact of his death is likely to help many people. It is tragic that this talented, intelligent, successful man saw real value in his own death. He saw the value in his own despair and hopelessness, yet he was unable to find the value in himself as an inspiration and role model who survived and kept his addictions at bay for 23 years. Such is the insidious nature of addiction. It is a parasitic disease that latches onto the very spirit of its host.

Why?

Sorkin also writes: "We should stop implying that if he'd just taken the proper amount then everything would be fine. He didn't die because he was partying too hard or because he was depressed – he died because he was an addict on a day of the week with a 'y' in it."

That's Why.

Experts agree that 10% of the population suffer from the disease of addiction. For them every day clean and sober is a miracle. Yet even with all we know today about this disease for most of those afflicted it is fatal. Addicts die. If not from overdoses, car crashes or murder, then from secondary causes such as hepatitis, HIV, cirrhosis of the liver, diabetes or suicide.

Some of the lucky ones get locked up for the safety of themselves and others.

The medical profession can identify an addict under a CAT scan. They can see what's broken they just can't fix it. Despite all of this, there is still a tremendous amount of shame, self loathing and prejudice associated with addiction. It is hard for most to understand those who just can't say no. Even the addict themselves don't understand. Although only 10% of the population has the disease, it is hard to find someone who has not been affected.

Lives are ruined and families destroyed every day because of addiction.


I am personally invested in this story. I have experienced recovery and relapse - I was clean and sober from 1996 to 2008. Then and I had a single drink - but for some reason I lived to tell my story. I struggled with relapse and recovery through until 2012 and have been sober now almost two years again. I don't share this part of my story often; however, the events of this week shook me up and made me realize how lucky I am to be sober and have the power of choice back in my life.

Hoffman's death gave me some perspective.

Best Sam

The Strategic Edge: Simplify

I am pretty excited about a new website I'm building. Unfortunately, I'm a writer not a website builder so it's been a high learning curve and it is taking up a lot of my time. It is almost ready for launch though - I'll keep you posted.

When there is a lot going on focus becomes critical. It's easy to get sidetracked and off chasing pretty red balloons. Right now, I don't have the luxury to indulge my adult A.D.H.D. When I add the time it takes for my passions and my responsibilities there's nothing left over. In fact, there's a time deficit. This is nothing new. I've been operating at maximum capacity plus 10% since I was 12.

Those of you who've followed me for a while know I experienced a burn-out a few years ago. My health went to hell and I started drinking again after over a decade of sobriety - it wasn't pretty. The road back to health has been slow. One of the biggest lessons I learned was:

Doing more and going faster is almost never the answer.

This was one of the lies I told myself that kept me from my true potential. When I ran into a challenge I beat the challenge into submission. This only works until it stops working - for me it worked until I was forty and then I ran out of gas. Not only was my tank empty but I was blowing blue smoke out of every orifice and had developed a speed wobble over 50 mph. I had to stop and take a good long look at what what had worked and what hadn't. 

I found that I was always successful when I took a focused, strategic approach. 

As a community planner, strategy was a major part of what I did. In it's most simple form, a strategy begins with three questions:

1. what do you have?
2. what do you want? 
3. how can you get it? 

The way forward is simple - eliminate everything that doesn't help answer these questions. We hear about the value of simplicity all the time. I'm not going to tell you to give all your stuff away. I still like stuff.  But there's a lot of stuff that is just clutter. And it's not only material things that cause clutter. People and emotions can cause more clutter than anything.

So that's what I've been doing for the last few years - gathering the good stuff and purging the clutter. It not easy. It takes time, self awareness and brutal self honesty. A lot of what I've been writing about here on Notes from the Edge is about managing the emotional stuff that stands in our way.

After tens of thousands of dollars on self-help programs and books and thousands of hours of self examination, I have come to understand that my feelings are motivated by two things. 

Love and Fear - everything I do is motivated by one or the other.

So my quest for simplicity is to keep all that is motivated and promotes love and purge everything that is motivated by and promotes fear. Sounds easy if you say it fast. The truth is I came to this epiphany a few years ago but it's a lifetime process. The good news is we have a strategic approach to follow.

Start today! What do you have? What do want more of? How can you get it?

Who are the toxic people? Start to politely distance yourself. Write down some fears. The big ones are easy - death, being alone, finances. What are these fears keeping you from? Get rid of some stuff. A messy closet is the sign of a messy mind. For guys: do you have any cut off t-shirts or pre-ripped jeans? For gals: you have any mom jeans or bedazzled whatever?

For the love of God purge that stuff!!

I loaded all my CD's onto my iPod and computer years ago. Nothing I have plays CDs anymore but I still have hundreds of CDs spilling out of my entertainment centre. WHY?

Depending on where you live, the weather is about to get really nice after a long winter. Use this time of year to simplify your life and de-clutter. Make 2014 the year you started taking control of your life. The year you got focused and strategic.

Live Long and Prosper.

The Edge of Perception:

"Can we talk of integration until there is integration of hearts and minds? Unless you have this, you only have a physical presence, and the walls between us are as high as the mountain range."
Chief Dan George

We tend to react to people, places and things based on our individual perceptions. Our perceptions are largely governed by our value systems, childhood, education, culture, family values and so on. Therefore, as individuals, with a wide variety of  experiences, two people can look at the same thing, come up with two entirely different conclusions and both be right - or at least neither is wrong.

Dispute Resolution 101

So it stands to reason that if we can link specific experiences to our perceptions we can determine whether our reactions are accurate or not. If they are inaccurate we should be able to simply adjust our perceptions based on new information and change the way that we act and react with the person, place or thing.

For example; it would be tough to find two people more at the opposite ends of the human condition than me and my Wife. She is detail oriented, organized, structured and very fond of rules and regulations - I am ... ummm ... not. 

We have been in some humdingers as far as disagreements go. 

As our marriage progressed, and the initial, lust-driven, infatuation gave way to the painful process of getting to know each other, we realized we respond to many situations not just differently but, in many cases, the exact opposite of each other. Realizing that we are now stuck with each other, and this was really as good as it gets, we went to work on figuring out how to squash these disputes in the early stages before they got ugly.

Surprisingly it was only a matter of coming to a few simple realizations:

1. Just because I'm right does not mean that she's wrong;
2. Our perceptions together often form a "higher truth";
3. We would rather be wrong and happy than right and single;
4. In a marriage you have to pick your battles and live to fight another day.

This is a simple model for dispute resolution. But it works. 

This works for a community as well as for a household. As a community planner I often deal with opposing perceptions: industry vs. environment, liberal vs. conservative, labour vs, management, Ford vs. Chev, and so on. In my experience the solution is rarely found in either extreme. It is usually found in a combination - or a dialogue between the extremes.

Let's test it against a more complex situation. 

One of the great divides that I have encountered growing up and living in British Columbia is the rift between the Native, or First Nations, people and the non-native people. Here there are many disagreements. Mostly around the management of land and resources, and mostly based on culture and perceptions. 

In the book "The Resettlement of British Columbia" author Cole Harris has constructed an accurate historical geography of British Columbia. He describes BC as being "resettled", not "settled". According to Harris, there was a sophisticated and thriving indigenous population long before the Europeans came in successive waves of fur trade, gold rush and agricultural settlement. The "resettlement" undertaken by Europeans was based on the perception of Terra Nullius or "Empty Land".

So the opposing perceptions were:

1. We (First Nations) had a sophisticated culture, society and economy that was disrupted and crippled by the European resettlement.
2. The land was "empty" and by developing it We (the Settlers) brought commerce and infrastructure that increased the liveability of the land.

In his book, Cole Harris outlines the "Geography of Smallpox". It is historically accepted that the Gold Rush saw 50,000 miners roll through B.C. in 1858 and these largely unwashed miners brought an epidemic of Small Pox that nearly wiped out the indigenous population. 

Harris points out that the Spanish introduced Small Pox to the Indigenous populations of South America in the 17th century. The disease then spread spread north into the USA and Canada through trade routes and war parties into the American Plains and finally across the Rocky Mountains into B.C. long before European resettlement. 

Based on journals of the Hudson's Bay fur traders, Royal Engineers and early Gold Commissioners, Harris estimates a 98% depopulation of First Nations people prior to the first European arriving on British Columbian soil.

If Harris is correct then the idea of Terra Nullius is an inaccurate perception. The problem is that Terra Nullius is embedded in our history, stories, laws and legislation. There's a lot at stake in these perceptions. Coming to a common understanding on this matter may be a tall order; however, if we could re-educate the population on these ideas, and alter the perceptions of the non-natives regarding Terra Nullius, there would be less friction around the Land Question in BC.

When we talk about the complex applications of a simple principle like "two people can disagree and both be right" it gets messy. There's not much we can do about the thinking of a generation. We can influence the thinking in our homes and practice these simple principles of tolerance and understanding with each other. 

For now my wife and I will continue to adjust our perceptions to avoid arguing about what the best route is to drive from our place to the Starbucks. By passing this on to our kids by example we hope that the introduction of new ideas and changing of perceptions will not come as difficultly as it does to the rest of us.

Best, Sam Edge
The Edge on Strategy

The Edge of 2014: Resolutions, Goals and Values

It's just past midnight on New Years Eve - 2014 is here! I have a house full of kids on a sleepover - all crazy and hopped upon sugar and my in-laws are over for "games night". I wont get in to specifics, suffice to say this is a substantial departure from my younger days. I had planned to post something on resolutions today - but I kept getting side-tracked.

This is my better-late-than-never-post.

Resolutions are just another term for goals. It is widely accepted that setting goals is a good thing. We set short, medium and long term goals all the time. Even if we don't realize it. Sometimes they work out - sometimes they don't. When they don't we take a look at what happened, make the appropriate adjustments and move forward. In our day to day life this is an easy pill to swallow.

So why all the depression and anxiety around New Years Resolutions?

I've been hearing all day about how resolutions always fall apart in the spring and then we get depressed. So why bother? It's to the point the people get angry and animated when talking about resolutions. Rather than being a chance to practice our goal setting techniques, New Years Resolutions have be become a symbol of failure. It is so bad that suicide increases in the spring are directly attributed to failed resolutions. It takes real effort to turn a sound opportunity for growth into a fatal liability.

But it doesn't have to be this way. I embrace this time of year as time to set goals - a time for a gut-check. It's a great time to reflect on the year that passed, set my sites on the year ahead and put some thought into what I want more of in my life? Personally, I have had a rough couple of years dealing with a bitter custody dispute. I even had problems with addiction rear their ugly head after well over a decade of sobriety. Now, things are sorting themselves out on all fronts and I am feeling stronger that ever. I'm thinking 2014 is going to be a great year.

I recommend using S.M.A.R.T. goals:

• Specific: Our goals should be directly related to our project vision and have a tangible effect on manifesting our vision in our lives.
• Measurable: We want to ensure that we have a quantitative element to our goals so there is no ambiguity as to whether they have been achieved or not. We should be able to strike them off a list as “complete” or “incomplete”
• Achievable: We want our goals to be challenging but possible. A successful strategy for this is to break large goals into a series of smaller ones. We do need to use discretion here and find balance between change and intimidation.
• Relevant: We don’t want to create work. Life is short and economy of our efforts is a key to success. We should be checking back to our vision and ensuring there is a real link to our vision with all of our goals.
• Time-framed: When we set our goals there must always be a time element such as, “This goal will be completed by” or “to do x.y.z. every 2 weeks”. This gives us a schedule and also makes our goals more specific and measurable.

With this framework in place I look the the big three - Family, Work and Health - and identify the priority goals I want to achieve for 2014. By using this accountability framework I've given myself the best chance for success. 

I may fall short. The best laid plan of mice and men ...

If plans go awry, we adapt. It is a double whammy when we let the unrealized goals get to us. First, we didn't achieve what we wanted. And second, we beat ourselves up. This sucks vital energy from us and makes success difficult if not impossible.  To help take away the sting of failure, we look beyond the goals and identify the Values that these goals represent. We make sure those values are consistent with who we are and what we want in life. 

Values may include:

1. Love

2. Health

3. Peace

4. Freedom

These are the things that we want more of in 2014. If we get to April and discover that the specific goals we chose to achieve these values are unrealistic, we simply revisit the SMART goal model. Success and happiness are no longer tied to a set of goals - they are based on values. 

We are successful as long we work towards, and not away from, these values. 

For 2014 I wish you all the love, health, peace and freedom you and your families can manage. 

Best, Sam Edge 

The Edge of Consciousness: Success, Stress and Meditation

Successful people know their limitations. 

We know that there is only so much we can do - especially as we get older. In our twenties there are no limits to the amount of energy we can spend. We are able to waste time figuring out what we are doing and still find success because we have the spare energy to make up for lost time.

For most of us it is somewhere around thirty that we realize this was an unsustainable model. We have limits and if we were going to continue to be successful we can no longer rely on brute strength and volume. We have to find way to produce the same amount with less effort. 

We have to become more efficient - this requires strategic thinking. 

As we grow older this trend continues. So does the quest for efficiency. With the technology and communication revolution exploding around us, we are expected to produce more than ever. Between our work and family there is more to do than hours in the day. We end up sacrificing down time, recreation and social outlets to meet our demanding schedule. 

This recipe for disaster leads to burn-out, anxiety and depression. When we reach this crisis point we desperately need rest. We seek out our family doctor. She starts us on depression and anxiety medications that mask our symptom and allow us to carry on in this unsustainable pace. 

Finally we crash all together.

At least thats what happened to me. I was able to maintain this pace until I turned forty. I had been running on fumes for a few years by this time. I was still producing as much as ever. In fact my late thirties were the most successful years of my life - professionally. My family life and health suffered. When some personal tragedies fell on our home I was out of energy and my health gave up on me. 

It's funny how life steps in and sets your priorities for you when you fail to do so. I have been forced to work on my efficiencies first and let go of my perfectionism and workaholic behaviours. The job for me now is to find balance in my life. I can complicate the process. 

But it can be as simple as doing more of what works and less of what doesn't.

Taking time for reflection and introspection is critical. I grew up around meditation, my mother has taught Transcendental Meditation (TM) since I was a baby. With TM you sit quietly and repeat a "mantra" twice a day for twenty minutes. I have long understood the value of meditation and the need to clear our minds and get a break from "compulsive thinking". 

When the Buddhists talk about "enlightenment" it is described as, "the absence of suffering". The word suffering can be replaced with compulsive thinking. So mediation, and relief from thinking, may be the single most important activity we can undertake to achieve happiness, peace and success.

Unfortunately for me, sitting quietly for twenty minutes is akin to water board torture.

Fortunately, over the years I have been able to find suitable replacements for "traditional" meditation practices. In Eckart Tolle's book "The Power of Now" he tells us taking a single breath can give us enough of a break from thought to make a difference. I have found repetitive exercise such as swimming, or running works well. As a martial arts practitioner, the moving meditation of forms, or Kata, and repetitive drills also provides the break i needed. Even a short break from compulsive thinking can increase our focus and efficiency. 

We all need a break from our thinking. The absolute inability to control thought ultimately leads to insanity. 

This is why so many people shoot themselves in the head when they commit suicide - the damn thing won't shut up. 

I have recently found a new type of meditation that has produced some truly astounding results in a short period of time. It's called binaural beats technology. I won't get into the science behind it. I have been doing it for at least twenty minutes a day for the last few days. I can say that not only does it work in quieting my mind, but I don't have any trouble sitting for the twenty minutes. 

I will be investigating this more. For now I will leave you with the sample below to try for your self. The only thing you need to know is it can be played at lower volumes, you have to use stereo headphones for it to work and you should not listen while driving. 

Find a quiet place and sit and enjoy a break. 

Please leave a comment and let me know what your experience was.

Best, Sam Edge
Check out the Edge On Strategy

The Edge on Father / Daughter Relationships

According to my family mythology surrounding parenting, boys teach mothers and girls teach fathers. I'm sure there are exceptions, however, it has enough credibility to survive a few generations, especially with my First Nations (Native Canadian) relatives. The fact that I have three daughters certainly supports this notion. I call it a Myth because it really has no grounding in scientific or measurable facts, yet it explains events that are beyond our control.

My girls are, by far, my greatest teachers. 

The most intense relationship, for lack of a better word, is with my twelve year old. She is the product of a previous relationship that fell apart shortly after she was born. Her mother was younger than me. The responsibility of motherhood was too much for her at the time. As a result, I took on most of the parenting responsibility for the first ten years. My first daughter my "Starter Child", teaching me to parent through trial and error. 

My parenting philosophy is to ensure the child grows up feeling safe and loved at all times and above all else (and not to let her be the stinky kid in school). 

By ensuring she felt safe and loved growing up we now have a strong and healthy relationship that can weather life's obstacles. 

If you have followed my blogs or read my books, you will know I use my life's experience as the foundation for my writing. I believe that lessons learned from trial and error have weight and depth. Further, the more work that a particular lesson requires the more valuable it is. I don't share my experience until I have reached some sort of internal resolution. My writing objective is not to use the world as a sounding board while I work out life's challenges. (Although the writing process can lead to amazing self discovery). My writing objective is to help others by sharing what I learned from life's challenges once I have worked through them.  

In 2012 I lost a bitter custody dispute. My oldest went to live with her mother, nine hours away. In the course of 24 hours my family was chopped by twenty-five percent. Working through this has been simultaneously the most difficult and most rewarding experiences of my near half-century on the planet. This reaffirms one of my core beliefs that:

Difficult times are opportunities to become better, stronger and faster than before. 

As a direct result of this dispute, we have a co-parenting agreement where my daughter is able to rebuild the relationship with her mother while maintaining her connection to me, my wife and her sisters. Although, the role I will play in her teenage years is not what I had expected, or wanted, things have turned out just fine, if not even better, for her (shhhhhh, don't tell my ex I said that). It is a crushing blow to my male pride and ego to have to take a back seat to her mom in the parenting for the next few years; however, it is her happiness, not mine, that I am concerned with. In the end she will have a balanced upbringing with the benefit of a close tie to both parents. 

In retrospect, it was the family mythology of daughters teaching fathers that I leaned on to make it through the dark times of dispute and separation anxiety. It gave me faith that everything would work out. I was able to actively seek out the hidden lessons and be grateful for them as they manifested. It is a perfect example of the Power of Myth that I have been writing about recently. 

In times of crisis we lean on our stories to overcome the fear of the unknown - we are even willing to suspend logic.

Currently, my Daughter is with me for three weeks over Christmas. It's been a tough eighteen months for the poor kid and she's a little shell-shocked from it all. I have years of practice working through the tough times, she doesn't. For the first few days of her visit she was stand-offish and tense. The conflict between her parents had taken an obvious toll. It was like she was waiting for something bad to happen. Waiting for me to drag her into the conflict she desperately wants no part of.

I sat her down and explained that we were both grieving since our relationship changed and getting used to idea that life is going to unfold differently than we'd expected. I told her "different" could be hard and scary but it was up to us how it turned out. 

I ensured her things could be better than ever if we worked together. 

I told her I was just figuring things out as I went along and if something I did made her feel uncomfortable or sad she should speak up. I told her it was okay for her to grieve in her own way too and if she had any questions she should ask. Most of all I told her we should take it easy on each other and remember deep down that we love each other and we're on the same side. I ended by sharing the family myth about her being my teacher and thanked her for all she'd done for me.

It was like turning on a light. You could see her changing from low to high frequency as the fear and anxiety melted away.  Gone was the fear of the unknown - she felt safe and loved. Since then the tension is gone and our connection is even stronger than before. These are the lessons that stick with us. They are even better when we can share them. 

In moments like this, being a parent is the best and most important thing I've ever done.

Kind Regards, Sam Edge

The Next RIght Thing ...

Happy Humpday,

On October 15, 2013 I got over 1,300 hits on my Poetry Blog. This is more than ten times my average traffic of roughly 100 hits per day(hpd). Now, before I launch into a speech about how hard work and perseverance pays off and the complex inner workings of critical mass and tipping point dynamics, I will disclose the following:

I have no friggin' clue what I did right.

If you follow my Poetry Blog and can offer any insight please let me know so I can do it again. I looked at all the obvious variables and I can find nothing unusual.  It closely followed a poem I wrote for the passing of my Grandma so ... um .... well... I'm not really sure what to say about that.

Ultimately, I have surrendered to the reality that even a broken clock is right twice a day and my explosion in hits was the result of the Chaos Theory in action. That is, all the moving parts lined up strictly as a result of repetition and inevitable coincidence and nothing to do with my highly contested brilliance.  

Doing the Next Right Thing

The older I get the more I realize that "less is more". As a young buck I adhered to a "run fast - hit hard" paradigm. This, combined with a tendency to over-think things, was inefficient and I did a lot of work with marginal results. The only reason I had any success at all was I had endless energy and I could afford to run down numerous dead ends before getting it right.  

This frantic pace proved to be unsustainable and by the time I hit forty I was burning blue smoke out of every orifice (and leaking from a few gaskets). Now, I've spent the better part of a decade learning how to do more with less. One of the keys is to put 100% into everything I do. This requires more than simple brute strength - it requires some strategic thinking. Such as:

1. Do one thing at a time.
2. Do what is in front of me first.
3. Don't do other peoples work.
4. Identify my strengths and weaknesses.
5. Do more of what I'm good at.
6. Delegate what I suck at.

These are some of the basic strategic elements in no particular order of living an efficient life. It can be summarized by: "Do the Next Right Thing". If I do what is in front of me to the best of my ability the next thing requires much less effort. Conversely, if I am preoccupied with past or future things, I expend more energy and produce less and lower quality. 

Hardly rocket science, however, it has worked well for me. If you find your self jammed up over a thing. Stop. Do the next right thing and nothing else.  Rinse and repeat. You will find nothing is insurmountable - at least this is my experience. In the case of my mysterious increase in hits, the next right thing is writing this Post.

Now it's time for a coffee break. 

Enjoy the rest of Hump Day, Sam

The Edge of Safety

Everything important in life I learned before I was six.

My Mom and I started off on our own. She was a single mom until I was six. My Dad was a little on the wild side, to put it mildly. She figured that the best place for him was away from us. At nineteen years old she bundled me up and ran away to safety.

I don't have many memories about those first six years - just vignettes and snapshots that are random and out of sequence.  When I think about those years I get the picture of Christopher Robin in a rain jacket skipping through mud puddles.

‘One, two, buckle my shoe’

We lived with my Grandparents for awhile. Then we got a place on Park Avenue. That's the Park Avenue in Kelowna, B.C., Canada not Park Avenue, New York, N.Y., USA. There are probably no two points on the Earth farther apart than the two Park Avenues.

Mom worked. I remember a pizza restaurant called the Colony. The memory of this place is the clearest of my first six years. I remember the name of the restaurant, how my mom looked, the smells and the tastes - especially the taste of pizza. Every payday Friday we would have a mushroom and olive pizza. We were vegetarians. I thought everyone was. In the 60's many were.

To this day I associate mushrooms and olives with being safe and happy.

This feeling of safety started to fade when I was six. My mom remarried and I had two half sisters in rapid succession. I was a sensitive kid and I didn't adapt very well. I didn't feel like I fit and I didn't have that feeling of safety any more.

And then this happened ------------------------------->

I spent a decade or so chasing my tail and trying to fit in. I all but erased the simple lessons of my first six years.

I was unhappy and unsafe.

I am happy to report my eventual return to happy and safe. The circle is complete. Today these feelings come from within and are supported by a loving wife and three daughters. There is no longer any question of where I fit. Not only am I safe but I now provide safety to others.

Last night my six-year-old wanted to sleep with me. She wanted to feel safe. Sprawled diagonally across my bed, her blanket had fallen off and she'd dropped her stuffy. I fixed her blanket and realised it was the wrong stuffy. I went to her room and got the right one.

In that moment, as she squeezed her stuffy and sunk a little deeper into the pillow, she knew what safe and happy felt like. She didn't know how or why and it didn't matter. It was part of her now. It would kick in when she needed it.

Before the complications and compound complications love was simple, not something that had to be worked on. My Mom taught me all I ever needed to know about love and life in my first six years. She taught me a lifetime of value before either of us ever found out about the things we didn't know.

"One, two, buckle my shoe ..."

The Edge of Reason

"It's beter to keep your mouth shut and have people think you a fool than speak and remove all doubt." Mark Twain et. al.

I attributed the quote above to Mark Twain et. al. as there is some debate as to its genesis. Regardless of origin, this little pearl of wisdom has served me well. When I am unsure of where I stand or, more frequently, when I am not fit for Human consumption, I try to listen more and speak less. 

I learned this lesson only after many years of conflict, trial and error.

For most of my thirties I worked in an office with twenty-five employees. I was the only man. I worked there for seven years. I was in a senior management postion. Any authority I had over my employees was an illusion that I was allowed to entertain from time to time. 

Any true managing that I was able to achieve was through the art of strategic submission. I leaned more about how to get along with the Humans during those years than all the combined years before and since. Overall I managed to play well with the other kids. I learned to brush off the passive aggressive jabs that I had become accustom to having for lunch - for the most part.  

There were a few conflicts which I chose to engaged in with way too much vigor.

The delicate art of assertively setting and maintaining boundaries came slowly.  Rather, I spent many nights plotting revenge on those who I was convinced were picking on me. Ultimately I resorted to guerilla tactics. 

I would spend an entire week crafting an e-mail to be concise,  hard-hitting and full of double meaning and deniability. I fuelled fires with with phrases such as: "I understand how difficult ... I am happy to assist with ...  complex issues for a person of your .... given your limited ..." 

My objective was to exact revenge while maintaining deniability. 

At exactly 4:25 on Friday afternoon. I would send the e-mail, turn off my computer and go home for the weekend. I would be the last this the recipient would see before their weekend. They were left unable to respond. Monday they would be apoplectic. 

A little, little man   

Ultimately that job crashed into a mountain and I was eaten in the ensuing weeks. I will always be grateful for that experience. I was in the most precarious social situation I could imagine. As a result I have never since found a personality conflict I am unable to rise above. 

From this experience, I developed the single best strategy to promote peaceful relations with the Humans. I sleep on it - that's it. I don't react in the moment I go home and let it sit for a night. Almost all the time the problem resolves itself as I sleep. When it doesn't I am able to find a way to resolve it with out bloodshed or viscous e-mail campaigns. 

I still write e-mails to resolve resentments but I have my wife proofread them first. 

Today I know that I need to play well with the other kids. It's just not worth the price I pay. Besides, I need all the energy I have to be the best husband and father I can be.  I don't have the luxury of nursing resentments. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

The reason I went on this rant today was because I have been on a YouTube safari this past week checking out slam poetry and spoken word recitals. I was looking for inspiration from my own poetry and trying to get a feel for what goes on out there in the world. I even thought I could see where my place might be...  

The Edge of Disputes

My wife and I get along pretty good - for a married couple. As much as we like each other we do get into arguments from time to time. For the most part we are able to avoid arguing because we are rarely both crazy at the same time. Usually when one gets crazy the other one can put on the grown up hat and take one for the team.

Every once in a while, however, our crazy lines up. Then there's really no out. We will both be stressed-out or over-tired, or whatever it is that triggered crazy, and something ridiculous will set off the argument. 

The other day I was chasing a deadline and rushing to get some work done after a night of no sleep with 15 cups of coffee in me. Concurrently my wife had been up all night wrestling with our 6 month old who is breast feeding and and teething at the same time - using her nipple as both a milk dispenser and a teething ring (ouch).

We were both at our wits end and to top it off our 6 year old got a bladder infection. System failure. So, genius that I am, I say something to the effect that our daughter wouldn't be sick if only my wife didn't do this or did more of that. It is so ridiculous that I can't even remember the logic. In this case I was clearly being a dick head. Now in order to keep this from escalating to the next level one of two things had to happen:

1.  I had to immediately apologize for what I said and take it back, or
2. She had to immediately forgive me and understand I was having a moment.

On a good day both of these thing would have happened. On an average day one of us would have stepped up and diffused the bomb. But on this day, when crazy was running the house, we both dug in our heels. So we stomped and mumbled and pouted for a while and ultimately went to our seperate corners and came out hugging. 

In the end reason did prevail. I apologized and she forgave me and we lived happily ever after. Wouldn't it be great if we could bypass the shenanigans and find a fail proof way from stopping these disputes in their tracks? Often it is only a well placed word that is the difference between a tense moment and complete system failure. When I asked my 6 year-old daughter what we could do to stop crazy in it's tracks she shrugged and said; "well Dad, you guys should just not argue in the first place". 

Now why didn't we think of that?

Respectfully, From the Edge...

The Edge on Writing

I seem to be constantly defining and then redefining myself here on "Notes from the Edge". I don't know what that's like from your end but from where I'm sitting it's exhausting. I tend to write from the heart and let the keyboard do the thinking as it were. From a strategic perspective, however, I also want to know what it is that I am writing about and who it is that I am writing to so I can organize my efforts accordingly. 

I declared myself a professional writer on January 01, 2013. In reality, I have been making my living off my laptop for the last 15 years or more. This is my personal Blog - I don't selling anything here and I never will (there may come a day when you will see advertising in my sidebar but I promise - no pop ups and no soliciting. This is where I share my experiences and thoughts with the world.

As for a definition so far I have come up with: 

"'Notes from the Edge' is about me, Sam Edge, sharing my experience, strength and hope with the other Humans about how I get along in the World by trying to do the next right thing."

So, I have been writing as a professional for awhile now. It has become part of who I am, part of my  experiences - since this is where I share my experiences I thought I would share how that's been going so far.

I am still feeling out the freelance writing landscape - and it is a jungle out there. Up until January, I took on all kinds of other project responsibilities including the report writing and business communications. Translating this into viable freelance experience has been challenging. The job boards are very competitive. I have been offered as low as $1 for 500 words. This would equal between $10 and $50 a week. The crazy thing is there is competition out there at this price. 

I have managed to earn a few thousand dollars freelancing since I made my declaration in January.  This has come from online job boards like Elance, Guru and Craigs List. I would say I am running about 5% of what I apply for on these sites. At this rate of approval this is tough slugging - I am spending more time applying for work than writing. 

I had to set a minimum that I am willing to work for. For me anything less  than 10 cents a word is just not worth it. The two sites I have added recently are Freelance Switch and Funds For Writers. Freelance Switch cost $7 a month and there aren't a million jobs, but the ones they do have are decent paying and there isn't 500 people bidding at 5 cents a page. FFW has newsletters and gives "freelance markets tips" these are direct contact with magazines and periodicals that publish freelance writing. The pay is good - between 10 cents to $2 / word. To make it in this industry you have to break into these markets.

The biggest problem I have is the sheer volume of information out there it is so easy to get sidetracked and spend a whole day wading through websites with no results. I also have the two blogs where I post my opinion, poetry and short stories. As I said earlier, this blog is where I can share pieces of myself trying to help others and establishing a bit of a presence on the web. My other blog Collateral Damn-Edge is purely for the love of writing. Lately I have been doing more pieces but short ones - mostly poems. This is vital for preventing atrophy of my writing muscles - and I love it. I love the English langaue and how ofter all these years there are still incalculable combinations of words and punctuation that have never been done ... yet. I believe: 

"the right words, in the right order at the right time can change the world".  

I don't think I heard that anywhere else, but it could have been said before - until I find another person who claims this I am taking credit.... and you can quote me.

The point I was trying to make is that between looking for work and writing for fun there's not much left over for making money. I am still working on the whole balance thing in my life. My experience is that I have to make all these mistakes at least once. I very much appreciate the veteran writer who takes their time to advise us newbies and offer direction.  So in turn I will share the bits of useful information as it comes my way. 

The good news for writers is that there is an abundance of freelance writing work out there and hardworking competent writers will always be in demand. I love writing this blog and I will continue to do so freely and as authentically as I can along with my poetry and fiction on the sister blog "Collateral Damn-edge". I am always nagging my readers to leave Comments - its the only way I know I'm not talking to myself. If you don't like commenting you can just click the gadget on the sidebar menu that looks says:

"me + you = us"

Sorry about the long post but I do think that we as a community need to stick together by sharing our experiences. Plus what do you expect - a short post? I am a writer  after all...

Respectfully from the Edge

The Edge on Easter

Happy Easter,

Looking out my office window today :)

Easter is my favourite holiday. Not because I now live in a Christian house - which I do. I married a very Christian wife and I became a Christian by default. I don't attend the services much - I call myself "Christian Light" or  a "Decaffeinated Christian" - but I do believe in God and the trinity. Where I get in trouble with my Christian brothers is I also believe in the Buddha and the Native American Creator and even some of the ideas around Intelligent Design. Even if you're not Christian, the Easter Story has a lot of relevant meaning. 

For years I thought Easter was when Jesus came out of his cave and if he saw his shadow it was 6 weeks until spring.

My wife informed me that's not the case. It about rebirth. Well that's not much of a stretch. All I have to do is look out my window to be see rebirth. In my corner of the World we are melting out from under the last bits of winter this time of year. In some corners of the World there is no winter, and that must be cool to a certain degree, but I like my four seasons. 

Winter makes Spring better. 

For me it is nature that defines Spring and rebirth. The Sun gets stronger and warmer,  the plants and trees get greener and brighter, flowers start growing and the animals are waking up from their hibernation and coming into the valleys to drink from melting lakes and streams and have their babies ... 

It is rebirth - and it's my favourite time of year - the Christian story about Jesus rising from the dead fits nicely with all this.

Most doctors will only allow their patients to stop taking depression medication in spring because it is when people's spirits are the highest and depression levels are the lowest. I get seasonally depressed - but for me it's in the Summer because I've got my winter fat and I don't look too good in a bathing suit anymore :s 

Easter is a good time of year for Mulligans - or  Do-overs. We get a nice four-day weekend to reflect on how our year is going so far. Its been a few months since New Years resolution and maybe we aren't where thought we'd be.  Easter is the time for new beginnings so why not cut ourselves some slack today. Take a little inventory of where we are and where we want to be and start over - reset starting .... NOW! I've come to understand suffering is optional. 

So today I'm opting out of suffering. 

Hey, I still have eight months left in the year to take it all back but a fresh start today won't hurt. Who knows maybe it will even stick. So, anyways, happy Easter Folks! Enjoy some family time, easter bunny chocolate, turkey and don't forget to give yourself a break.

Respectfully From the Edge.

The Edge of Irish ..

Happy St Patrick day! I hope you all found something green to wear today. 

I was thinking about how we identify ourselves and what it really means to be Irish. I call myself Irish mostly because being Irish is cool lately - not so much a hundred years ago. But really the only nationality I can identify myself with is a Canadian and even that is questionable because my father was born in London England. The truth is I am quite the mutt - although there is definitely a British Island theme to my genealogy. 

So, here it goes - I am:

1. British
2. Irish
3. Scottish 
4. Welsh
5. German

Which makes me an arrogant, alcoholic, cheapskate with a quick temper and a superiority complex. My one Grandpa was mostly Irish but ironically he came from Manchester England.  Basically the Brits came over to Ireland and took his shit and put him to work in the coal mines, or so the story goes. 

I'm not sure what any of this really means but when we get to that point of our life where we really start questioning who we are, this whole lack of national identity doesn't help. Being Canadian doesn't make it any clearer. 

We Canadians are defined by our lack of definition. 

So when people ask me what Nationality I am I have been saying Irish - but technically I'm Irish-ish. I am really just as British - maybe even more so. But after Braveheart who wants to be British - thanks for that Mel Gibson.  

I've written before about being "fragmented". This whole idea that in different circumstances we act different to try to fit in with the other Humans. Over the years this fragmentation takes it's toll on our identity and we can lose ourselves in the Mythology we have created when trying to define ourselves.

The antithesis of fragmentation is individuation - the reconciliation of the fact that we are defined as a sum of our parts - not any one random piece of the puzzle. The truth is that I'm not any one of these Nationalities - I'm all of them.  I'm not Irish per say - but being Irish is part of who I am. We are all a unique combination of biology, genealogy, experiences and reactions that has never been put together in exactly the same way as it has in you or me. 

Thank God for that!  

This is the core of "Notes from the Edge" - it is my attempt to explain Life from the outside looking in. As an individual, unique in every way, constructed by a series of random events, I am the sum of those events - this Chaos. Embracing this Chaos as my true Creator, giving up on fighting and vainly trying to control conditions beyond control is the path to freedom from the bondage of Self. It is how I am able to exist in peace and harmony with my surroundings and the  other Humans. 

So, happy St Patricks Day whether your Irish or Irish-ish or just another Misfit trying to get through the day as best you can. 

In honor of my Irish Grandpa I'll leave you with this Old Irish Verse

May the roads rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sunshine warmly on your face.

And the rains fall softly upon your fields.

And until we meet again

May God hold you 

In the palm of His hand. 

Respectfully from The Edge.

The Edge on Reconciliation

There is a huge difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. 

One of my early posts in my Notes from the Edge was on forgiveness. You can follow the link and have a look but I basically explore the idea that we, as Humans, need to forgive to get past the wreckage of our pasts and also to overcome the guilt and shame that is associated with our own wrong doings that may require forgiveness.

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" sums it up nicely.

The thing about forgiveness is that we can do it in isolation of the other Humans - it is between us and Our Creator / The Universe / God / god. There is peace that comes from forgiveness and there is no question it is a noble pursuit - but we can forgive completely and still have broken relationships. The relationship may stay broken because, even though there is true forgiveness, there is not reconciliation.

Reconciliation involves both parties of the wrong that required forgiveness to get together and "reconcile" their differences.

This can be tricky. I can forgive but still acknowledge that the person who wronged me is in the wrong and although they are forgiven their actions are still not condoned. It only requires an act of passive benevolence to forgive. To reconcile we need a willing partner - we also need to be willing. 

Do we want to be right or happy?

If we want to be happy it is not important to beat a confession out of the other party - we may be able to rise above the situation and be an agent of reconciliation. But we must be careful not to sell ourselves out here. As humans we deserve closure on wrongs done and that closure is in the hands of those that wronged us. 

We run the risk of exposing ourselves to further wrongs, even abuse, by chasing after unattainable closure. 

Ultimately we have to make that call. When reconciliation is attainable I believe that we need to do everything we can to achieve it. When it's not we need to throw in the towel early and not "throw good money after bad" as it were.

We shouldn't let the vain pursuit of reconciliation undermine the good works we have accomplished in forgiveness. 

When we are dealing with primary relationships this is difficult - to let go of closure. To accept that there is no hope for reconciliation. This is emotionally charged territory and we are unlikely to make good decisions all the time. We should step back a,nd borrow a page from the Alcoholics Saying:

God, Grant me the Serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can 

and the wisdom to know the difference

Respectfully, from the Edge