The Edge on Conflict (part 1)

Knowing the other, and knowing yourself ~ in one hundred battles on hundred victories. 

Not knowing the other, but knowing yourself ~ one defeat for every victory. 

Not knowing the other or yourself ~ in every battle defeat. Sun Tsu

Colliding World views, or perceptions, cause conflicts. I've written about perceptions, and how they grow from a dialogue between "nature and nurture" - some are learned and others we're born with. Many argue nature or nurture exclusively; however, I favor a dialogue between ideas to arrive at a full picture.

As a student of the humanities, the dialectic model was part of my studies. I've embraced it for twenty years, and used it in my profession often. The problem is; not everyone a) knows about dialectics, or b) agrees with it.

Dialectics came from the social theory of Karl Marx, and lives in the shadow of Communism. The original application was: capitalism (thesis) + communism (antithesis) = socialism (synthesis). As we know, this turned out to be wrong - most of the world, including Russia and China, eventually gave up on Communism and Socialism. The underlying model, however, has many applications.

Thesis + Antithesis = Synthesis

For boomers, who grew up when Communism was seen as a real threat to the western world, a social theory like dialectics can stir deep, emotional, responses. The nature vs nurture argument triggers responses rooted in the evolution vs. creation debate, and we take on all the baggage that comes with it.

The preconception I have towards dialogue was learned - like any other habit. It takes three months to form a habit. It takes the same amount of time for a new idea to take hold. Perhaps this is why semesters are three months long - or a happy coincidence?

When we first encounter a new idea it is uncomfortable - especially when it conflicts with another, existing idea. Most ideas we have today were learned when we were young - often from our families. As a result these ideas can be tough to overcome.

This is certainly true for me. It would take some pretty convincing evidence to change my core belief that a dialectic approach is better than a positional one. This self-awareness however can help me manage and avoid conflict.

Returning to Sun Tsu - if I know I am predisposed to dialogue and my peer is predisposed to positions then I can make the conscious choice run, fight or negotiate as the situation dictates - rather than react blindly based on old, or faulty, information.

One of my central beliefs is: "dialogue is more productive than positional thinking". Not everyone shares this belief and this can create conflict that could be easily avoided. Following my own belief there must be opportunity for dialogue between my core belief and a more positional one. As I write this I can see a certain hypocrisy in my own perception - I am positional about dialogue.

Hmm... I'll have to work on that.

Best Sam
The Edge on Strategy

The Edge of Expectation

"My happiness is directly proportional to my expectations."

It would be nice if people, places and things did what I expected them to do. Placing any sort of expectations on the Humans and their erratic behaviour is especially precarious. The closer our relationship is to the Human in question the more currency the expectation carries.

We all want to be treated with respect. If some schmo walking down the street doesn't smile  back at me when I walk by I may be mildly irritated at the rude behaviour - but it will be fleeting and mild.  Now if I tell a girl I am dating I love her and she asks me to pass the ketchup I will lose sleep and my feelings will be intense and unpleasant. This is because I had an expectation of how she would behave. 

When we do something to make another person feel better with no expectation of reward we are acting out of what I call Authentic Love.  If I walk passed my child's door and I see that her blanket has fallen off I sneak into the room very quietly and pull the blanket up over her so she is warm and feels safe. I take great pleasure in this and I have no expectation of reward.  In fact, not getting caught is essential.

For me, the inverse relationship between expectation and happiness is most acute in the Family. I have heard it said that "anyone who had parents suffered some form of abuse". Most of us have some sort of weird little neurosis related to our parents and our expectation of how we should be treated.  This peculiar and common tension is further complicated by differences in values and respect indicators created by personality differences and generation gaps.

I believe that all Humans have the right to be respected. In fact, I demand a certain level of respect from those who I allow in my life. This presents another problem with family - we didn't choose them. So when my expectation of respect is not being met I'm forced to ride out the relationship to the bitter and miserable end.

Or am I?

When our expectation of respect is not met in a relationship that we are born into we have to rise above that expectation. I do this by doubling down on Authentic Love. Authentic Love fill's the hole left by my unmet expectations. In fact, sometimes the expectation fades away completely. 

The act of committing random, secret acts of Authentic Love is the antidote for unmet expectations. And here's the secret - these acts don't even have to be perpetrated on the same Humans that are not meeting your expectation of respect. Any Human will do - the more deserving the better.

There is a magic that happens when we incorporate Authentic Love into our lives. The importance of the expectation fades and sometimes goes away entirely. Sometimes we suddenly realize our expectations are being met and when they are not we are able to feel compassion rather than resentment. 

Eventually they will come around. In the mean time with all of us in the Edgosphere running around committing random acts of Authentic Love the World will be a better place! So keep you're head up folks and when the Humans fall short of your expectations just Smile and Wave.

Respectfully, From the Edge

The Edge of Civilization

The Edge of Service

Happy Hump day from the Edge -  hope all your Hump-related activities go as intended.

Just a quick heads up to my readers. I will be away from my computer  and out of the service area for the first week or so of February. Turns out I have to get a job to support my new writing career - not an uncommon story from what I can gather - but hardly significant. I'm still trying to figure out if its: "hi my name is Sam what can I get for you today" or "Our specials are ... and I'l be your server Sam."

I should be able to figure this out.

Since I live approximately two and a half hours from the middle of nowhere internet service can be tricky.

The picture to the above and to the right is my Wife - Wenona walking along the Chilcotin Sand Dunes in Central British Columbia. Yes its as cool as it looks - and yes eventually I stopped the truck and let her in.

"No Cell Phones Dude"

Once I am done paying my dues, so to speak, I will be back - Edgy, Edgey and Authentic and ready to Post up a storm. Until then, keep your stick on the ice, your heads up and don't take any wooden nickels... or something like that.

I alway wonder if that was some kind of depression era problem - people getting convinced to use wooden nickels? Was this a WWII response to lack of Alloys for minting the 5 cent piece? For the record I would prefer to have a wooden nickel than a wooden leg or a wooden personality. At my age "wood", in general, is considered a good thing.

Respectfully, from the Edge.

The Edge of Significance

Photo from: www.phatstartup.com

Shortly after I started my Blog “Notes From the Edge”, I wrote a post on Success. In this post I touched on the idea that we move through the following series of stages in our professional lives (The Four S’s):

Survival à Stability à Success à Significance.

Success was not identified as an end - but a means by which a life of significance could be achieved. At the time I was sitting on a decaying throne of success and significance built on fifteen years of hard work and dedication as a Community Development Manager and Consultant.  It was my grand plan to transfer the significance I had earned in Community Development to the pursuit of my new career as a writer.

Apparently it doesn’t work that way.

I am pretty sure I knew that. Despite this knowledge, when you are used to a certain amount of recognition and acclamation in one field there is an expectation, or at least a hope, that this will follow you into your next endeavor.  It would be nice if we could skip passed the messy inconveniences of survival and stability and go straight to success and significance. There is a reason, however, why the road from survival to significance is set out as a progression.

The progression through the Four S’s is a Rite of Passage, of sorts, for Significance.

It takes a certain amount of humility to achieve true significance. Humility can be defined as “a modest opinion of one’s own importance, rank or position” or “the absence of arrogance.” I am not a particularly humble person by nature. I would prefer a stunning failure to a mediocre victory.

Humility comes hand in hand with the mediocrity and anonymity associated with new beginnings.

Trudging day in and day out, with determination and purpose, while building the talent, inventory and credibility required for significance is just like real work. I have always been an excellent builder and a terrible administrator. Over the last fifteen years I have spent ten years building significance and five years being significant … (and humble?)

Then I got bored, “reinvented myself” and - back to trudging.

My experience now shows me that the journey through the Four S’s is not a linear process but more of an upward spiral. The price of admission is lower and the path is less resistant now, as I work towards significance for the second (or is this the third?) time.  I am wiser and more efficient in spite of myself. I have learned not to make the same mistakes twice (definitely not three times). I now realize that it is in the trenches where I shine - slugging it out in the pursuit of something better. Maybe I’ll see you there.

Trudging towards Significance.

Respectfully,

Sam Edge

The Edge on God

I have been alive for 17001 days. 

I found this out from Robert D Smith, a Guest Writer on Jeff Goins' Blog. I don't follow many Bloggers faithfully; however, I do enjoy Jeff's writing on life, advice on growing my Blog and his network of talented Bloggers. A network I would be proud to add myself to Jeff ... if you're listening.

So that's enough shameless sucking up to Jeff.

I have decided that at the ripe age of 17001 days I should come out of the closet. 

When I started Blogging I decided I would try to stay in the Centre of most polarising issues as not to alienate one side or the other (this strategy tends to piss of both sides by the way). There is an issue that is a growing part of who I am that I have skirted around and managed not to come right out and own up to in my posts ...

 I'm a Christian.

How many of you thought I was going to say I was Gay?

How many of you wished I said I was Gay?

Photo credit: www.wellspringcounselinggroup.com/blog

Anyways there it is. This may not be as big a deal as I think it is but I come from a science background and there was a significant period in my life where I was either agnostic or atheist. In fact, the very mention of God, would have led me to believe that you were of a weaker and less intelligent species and sent me off on a rant on creation and evolution.

My road to becoming a Christian was slow and painful. I would not consider myself a traditional Christian by any means and my belief in God is the single most personal thing about me. So sharing it with you folks is as intimate as it gets.

I can't talk about this subject without talking about my wife. She is the reason I am a Christian and she is what I believe God had in mind when he made Christians. I am proud to be a Christian because of her. Other than my wife, there are two very important things that being a Christian brought to my life - Prayer and Community.

So from now on we will begin each post with a prayer... Just kidding.

I won't change the nature or content of my posts much. I am just no longer going to skirt around the issue. This is part of my commitment to being Authentic. But prayer is a part of my daily life. I pray with my wife and 5 year old.

My 11 year old has decided that being a Christian isn't cool and I am fine with that for now. I just put the information in front of her and let her make up her own mind.  Coming to grips with an understanding of God, or higher power, or whatever is a life time process.

So in the future when I refer to God that's what I mean.  If you prefer Creator, Buddha, Mohamed, or the Great Out Doors please, do whatever works for you. To close this post on God I will share a prayer I stole from the Alcoholics. My 5 year old says it whenever she is sad or misses her big sister.

God, 

Grant me the Serenity, 

To Accept the Things I Cannot Change,

The Courage to Change the Things I can, and 

The Wisdom to Know the Difference.

Respectfully, From the Edge

The Edge of Fear

No one wants to admit they are afraid.

A little help?

A close, honest, look; however, will show that Fear underlies all kinds of more socially acceptable feelings and behaviours including: procrastination, frustration, anger, intolerance, greed, excessive ambition, idle indifference - even dieting and exercising can be driven by Fear ... the list goes on.

I have come to believe that in my life it is Fear that keeps me from relating to the other Humans as my uncensored, Authentic Self. That's the case with me - bonafide tough guy and misfit. Given this conclusion, managing Fear is the key to my happiness.

I will openly and freely admit to a zillion defects but rarely to their true source. Fear masquerading as other, more Manly, character flaws is deeply rooted in my psychology. So deep that in some cases the source of the Fear has been lost to memory and the only the Fear itself remains. An independent, soul sucking, force that no longer requires stimuli to sustain it's presence.

Efforts to find the origin of Fear has value but often ends up driving wedges between me and the other Humans, usually those closest to me. Luckily, it is the "What" of Fear that I must understand not the "Why". The "What" is:

Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real.  

Fear is the Boogieman, the monster under the bed that keeps me from getting up at night. Fear is a choice. When I peel back the psychological defences that have been protecting my Fears I turn Fear itself on its head and the "What" of Fear becomes:

Fear = Face Everything And Recover. 

By facing fear and acknowledging that Fear dies in the light I can stop letting it run my thoughts and actions and my Authentic Self can truly come out and play.  I can only eliminate those defences that protect my fears by practicing psychological honesty. Which I will discuss in detail in my next post "The Edge of Honesty".

Respectfully, from the Edge.

The Edge of Intention

I submitted this writing exercise as part of the Trifecta Weekly Writing Challenge. I have been following the contest for a few weeks now and the content is great and the writers are talented. I may make this a weekly feature to "Notes from the Edge." Contest rules outlined below.
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When I took on this writing challenge I read a sampling of other authors and thought "Wow. These guys are great I'm going to try that... "

This is my eleventh draft and I am starting from a blank sheet. I wrote a poem, a story about a mean ex wife, a story about a vindictive mother and list of things that rhymed with intention. 

So I abandoned their style and went back to my own.

Ironically, my writing style is very much tied to “Intention” (or what it is that I intend to do or bring about through my writing.) My writing is based on my experiences. My intention is to use my experiences to help others. 

Some authors are very good at subtly weaving the "Prompt" into their story and evoking all kinds of feelings and abstract thought.  Being a man of unremarkable talent and intelligence, I beat my readers over the head with the Prompt and try to make a significant point in the process. 

www.susanjanemarketing.com

Deepak Chopra wrote a book called the "7 Spiritual Laws of Success." I read this book about 15 years ago and it had a significant impact on me. The Fifth Law is the "Law of Intention and Desire." Intention in this context was something we were to set our sites on and lock into - very much in line with definition 3a of this exercise. 

Once fully engaged in, and attached to, our Intention and Desire we were then to let go, or Detach (Sixth Law), of this intention and put 100% of our “Attention" into the next right thing. By this logic we reach our Intention effortlessly as represented by our Dharma or Life's Purpose (Seventh Law).  

As I write this I realise that Intention is very much my writing style. It is by Intention itself, and loosely following these Spiritual Laws, that I was able to get through this post on Intention in my own unique way in complete harmony with my Dharma. 

(Word Count 333)

Respectfully, From the Edge

The Edge of 2013

2012 can kiss my ass. 2012 will always be the year I lost a bitter custody battle with my ex over my 11 year-old daughter - Emma. It was like losing my best friend and was the hardest thing I've had to face in my life.

I have referred to Emma in my posts but not the loss of custody. I was processing and still very much on the Edge of Grief. Now that the dust has settled, and I am well into the calm waters of acceptance, I don't mind sharing it with you folks. This Blog is about my experiences - good and bad - and how they have shaped my life and made me a better man. If I am not willing to put myself out there, to show some vulnerability, then I might as well write about someone else's life. 

Adversity has always been my greatest teacher. If not for the challenges in my life I would never have had to engage in the soul searching, the taking stock and renovations in my life that I have. I would never have learned to cherish the good times if it wasn't for the bad. This was no exception.

For years I have been bordering on burn-out from being a workaholic. I have been saying, "this year I'm taking some time off to rest." I have talked about taking up creative writing and developing my passions. I have told my family that I would spend more time with them and not be so serious and tense. But it was always tomorrow.

It was the loss of custody that pushed me to make these things happen. I took six months off work that I never would have of my own volition. I took care of some health issues I had been neglecting. I reviewed the business model of our small consulting firm with my wife and saw how we could do more with less. I started writing. 2012 was also the year my youngest daughter Abigail was born and the year I fell in love with my Wife again.

I took time to hang out with my Wife when she was pregnant rather than working fourteen hours a day. I have been involved in the early raising of Abigail and watched all the early development phases that I missed while I slowly worked myself to death during the other two pregnancies. I came to appreciate how fortunate I really am and how abundantly I live. My relationship with  my Wife and daughters, including Emma, got broader and deeper. I even came to resolve some long standing tensions with my own parents.

So since all these wonderful things are happening due to the adversity and personal anguish resulting from loss of custody I guess I should be grateful for 2012 - right? NOPE! I am a child of the Eighties. I grew up on ACDC, Ozzy Osborne and Judas Priest's, not Bob Dillan, James Taylor and most definitely NOT Kurt Cobain. You see, I get stronger and my life gets better in spite of adversity - not because of it. So ya - 2012 can kiss my ass and 2013 here I come :)

Happy New Year, From the Edge.

The Edge of the Humans

I never know which one of my posts is going to get a good reaction. This just proves that I really have no idea what is going on with the Humans. While I do recognise that we are all part of the same basic species, I feel like m interactions are part of some complex experiment. I am constantly surprised and baffled by Human behaviour. 

I have managed to identify two subsets of the Humans through my observations:

1. Easy-to-be-around-people, and 

2. Hard-to-be-around-people.

I am not sure exactly what it is about hard-to-be-around-people, but these are the people who make me tired when I am around them. They are the negative people who always have a reason why you shouldn't do something, why it won't work or what is wrong with you.  They are spirit-suckers who seem to stick a straw right into my chest and suck the life right out of me.  In their most extreme form they offer nothing useful, they produce nothing and even worse they make it hard for anyone else to produce anything.

The easy-to-be-around-people are the opposite. They are almost always content and always have a word of encouragement. They find the positive in any situation, rarely find fault in others and I feel energised and creative when I'm around them.  My wife is one of these people - she makes me a better person by osmosis because she is so easy to be around.

I don't really have much more to say about that except that I do have a choice, for the most part, as to who I allow into my life. Today I chose to have the positive people around me and I also choose to be one to those people. I don't hold any grudges against the hard-to-be-around-people life is just too damn short to waste on them. The good news is that we all have a choice to be easy-to-be-around-people. So over the Christmas Season take the time to hold the door open for an elder, give you seat up to someone who needs it more than you, say thank-you, clean up a mess you didn't make or have a real conversation with a little kid. If someone does something you like - tell them. What do you have to loose? 

Respectfully, from the Edge