The Edge on Conflict (part 1)

Knowing the other, and knowing yourself ~ in one hundred battles on hundred victories. 

Not knowing the other, but knowing yourself ~ one defeat for every victory. 

Not knowing the other or yourself ~ in every battle defeat. Sun Tsu

Colliding World views, or perceptions, cause conflicts. I've written about perceptions, and how they grow from a dialogue between "nature and nurture" - some are learned and others we're born with. Many argue nature or nurture exclusively; however, I favor a dialogue between ideas to arrive at a full picture.

As a student of the humanities, the dialectic model was part of my studies. I've embraced it for twenty years, and used it in my profession often. The problem is; not everyone a) knows about dialectics, or b) agrees with it.

Dialectics came from the social theory of Karl Marx, and lives in the shadow of Communism. The original application was: capitalism (thesis) + communism (antithesis) = socialism (synthesis). As we know, this turned out to be wrong - most of the world, including Russia and China, eventually gave up on Communism and Socialism. The underlying model, however, has many applications.

Thesis + Antithesis = Synthesis

For boomers, who grew up when Communism was seen as a real threat to the western world, a social theory like dialectics can stir deep, emotional, responses. The nature vs nurture argument triggers responses rooted in the evolution vs. creation debate, and we take on all the baggage that comes with it.

The preconception I have towards dialogue was learned - like any other habit. It takes three months to form a habit. It takes the same amount of time for a new idea to take hold. Perhaps this is why semesters are three months long - or a happy coincidence?

When we first encounter a new idea it is uncomfortable - especially when it conflicts with another, existing idea. Most ideas we have today were learned when we were young - often from our families. As a result these ideas can be tough to overcome.

This is certainly true for me. It would take some pretty convincing evidence to change my core belief that a dialectic approach is better than a positional one. This self-awareness however can help me manage and avoid conflict.

Returning to Sun Tsu - if I know I am predisposed to dialogue and my peer is predisposed to positions then I can make the conscious choice run, fight or negotiate as the situation dictates - rather than react blindly based on old, or faulty, information.

One of my central beliefs is: "dialogue is more productive than positional thinking". Not everyone shares this belief and this can create conflict that could be easily avoided. Following my own belief there must be opportunity for dialogue between my core belief and a more positional one. As I write this I can see a certain hypocrisy in my own perception - I am positional about dialogue.

Hmm... I'll have to work on that.

Best Sam
The Edge on Strategy

The Edge of Disputes

My wife and I get along pretty good - for a married couple. As much as we like each other we do get into arguments from time to time. For the most part we are able to avoid arguing because we are rarely both crazy at the same time. Usually when one gets crazy the other one can put on the grown up hat and take one for the team.

Every once in a while, however, our crazy lines up. Then there's really no out. We will both be stressed-out or over-tired, or whatever it is that triggered crazy, and something ridiculous will set off the argument. 

The other day I was chasing a deadline and rushing to get some work done after a night of no sleep with 15 cups of coffee in me. Concurrently my wife had been up all night wrestling with our 6 month old who is breast feeding and and teething at the same time - using her nipple as both a milk dispenser and a teething ring (ouch).

We were both at our wits end and to top it off our 6 year old got a bladder infection. System failure. So, genius that I am, I say something to the effect that our daughter wouldn't be sick if only my wife didn't do this or did more of that. It is so ridiculous that I can't even remember the logic. In this case I was clearly being a dick head. Now in order to keep this from escalating to the next level one of two things had to happen:

1.  I had to immediately apologize for what I said and take it back, or
2. She had to immediately forgive me and understand I was having a moment.

On a good day both of these thing would have happened. On an average day one of us would have stepped up and diffused the bomb. But on this day, when crazy was running the house, we both dug in our heels. So we stomped and mumbled and pouted for a while and ultimately went to our seperate corners and came out hugging. 

In the end reason did prevail. I apologized and she forgave me and we lived happily ever after. Wouldn't it be great if we could bypass the shenanigans and find a fail proof way from stopping these disputes in their tracks? Often it is only a well placed word that is the difference between a tense moment and complete system failure. When I asked my 6 year-old daughter what we could do to stop crazy in it's tracks she shrugged and said; "well Dad, you guys should just not argue in the first place". 

Now why didn't we think of that?

Respectfully, From the Edge...

The Edge on Writing

I seem to be constantly defining and then redefining myself here on "Notes from the Edge". I don't know what that's like from your end but from where I'm sitting it's exhausting. I tend to write from the heart and let the keyboard do the thinking as it were. From a strategic perspective, however, I also want to know what it is that I am writing about and who it is that I am writing to so I can organize my efforts accordingly. 

I declared myself a professional writer on January 01, 2013. In reality, I have been making my living off my laptop for the last 15 years or more. This is my personal Blog - I don't selling anything here and I never will (there may come a day when you will see advertising in my sidebar but I promise - no pop ups and no soliciting. This is where I share my experiences and thoughts with the world.

As for a definition so far I have come up with: 

"'Notes from the Edge' is about me, Sam Edge, sharing my experience, strength and hope with the other Humans about how I get along in the World by trying to do the next right thing."

So, I have been writing as a professional for awhile now. It has become part of who I am, part of my  experiences - since this is where I share my experiences I thought I would share how that's been going so far.

I am still feeling out the freelance writing landscape - and it is a jungle out there. Up until January, I took on all kinds of other project responsibilities including the report writing and business communications. Translating this into viable freelance experience has been challenging. The job boards are very competitive. I have been offered as low as $1 for 500 words. This would equal between $10 and $50 a week. The crazy thing is there is competition out there at this price. 

I have managed to earn a few thousand dollars freelancing since I made my declaration in January.  This has come from online job boards like Elance, Guru and Craigs List. I would say I am running about 5% of what I apply for on these sites. At this rate of approval this is tough slugging - I am spending more time applying for work than writing. 

I had to set a minimum that I am willing to work for. For me anything less  than 10 cents a word is just not worth it. The two sites I have added recently are Freelance Switch and Funds For Writers. Freelance Switch cost $7 a month and there aren't a million jobs, but the ones they do have are decent paying and there isn't 500 people bidding at 5 cents a page. FFW has newsletters and gives "freelance markets tips" these are direct contact with magazines and periodicals that publish freelance writing. The pay is good - between 10 cents to $2 / word. To make it in this industry you have to break into these markets.

The biggest problem I have is the sheer volume of information out there it is so easy to get sidetracked and spend a whole day wading through websites with no results. I also have the two blogs where I post my opinion, poetry and short stories. As I said earlier, this blog is where I can share pieces of myself trying to help others and establishing a bit of a presence on the web. My other blog Collateral Damn-Edge is purely for the love of writing. Lately I have been doing more pieces but short ones - mostly poems. This is vital for preventing atrophy of my writing muscles - and I love it. I love the English langaue and how ofter all these years there are still incalculable combinations of words and punctuation that have never been done ... yet. I believe: 

"the right words, in the right order at the right time can change the world".  

I don't think I heard that anywhere else, but it could have been said before - until I find another person who claims this I am taking credit.... and you can quote me.

The point I was trying to make is that between looking for work and writing for fun there's not much left over for making money. I am still working on the whole balance thing in my life. My experience is that I have to make all these mistakes at least once. I very much appreciate the veteran writer who takes their time to advise us newbies and offer direction.  So in turn I will share the bits of useful information as it comes my way. 

The good news for writers is that there is an abundance of freelance writing work out there and hardworking competent writers will always be in demand. I love writing this blog and I will continue to do so freely and as authentically as I can along with my poetry and fiction on the sister blog "Collateral Damn-edge". I am always nagging my readers to leave Comments - its the only way I know I'm not talking to myself. If you don't like commenting you can just click the gadget on the sidebar menu that looks says:

"me + you = us"

Sorry about the long post but I do think that we as a community need to stick together by sharing our experiences. Plus what do you expect - a short post? I am a writer  after all...

Respectfully from the Edge

The Edge on Easter

Happy Easter,

Looking out my office window today :)

Easter is my favourite holiday. Not because I now live in a Christian house - which I do. I married a very Christian wife and I became a Christian by default. I don't attend the services much - I call myself "Christian Light" or  a "Decaffeinated Christian" - but I do believe in God and the trinity. Where I get in trouble with my Christian brothers is I also believe in the Buddha and the Native American Creator and even some of the ideas around Intelligent Design. Even if you're not Christian, the Easter Story has a lot of relevant meaning. 

For years I thought Easter was when Jesus came out of his cave and if he saw his shadow it was 6 weeks until spring.

My wife informed me that's not the case. It about rebirth. Well that's not much of a stretch. All I have to do is look out my window to be see rebirth. In my corner of the World we are melting out from under the last bits of winter this time of year. In some corners of the World there is no winter, and that must be cool to a certain degree, but I like my four seasons. 

Winter makes Spring better. 

For me it is nature that defines Spring and rebirth. The Sun gets stronger and warmer,  the plants and trees get greener and brighter, flowers start growing and the animals are waking up from their hibernation and coming into the valleys to drink from melting lakes and streams and have their babies ... 

It is rebirth - and it's my favourite time of year - the Christian story about Jesus rising from the dead fits nicely with all this.

Most doctors will only allow their patients to stop taking depression medication in spring because it is when people's spirits are the highest and depression levels are the lowest. I get seasonally depressed - but for me it's in the Summer because I've got my winter fat and I don't look too good in a bathing suit anymore :s 

Easter is a good time of year for Mulligans - or  Do-overs. We get a nice four-day weekend to reflect on how our year is going so far. Its been a few months since New Years resolution and maybe we aren't where thought we'd be.  Easter is the time for new beginnings so why not cut ourselves some slack today. Take a little inventory of where we are and where we want to be and start over - reset starting .... NOW! I've come to understand suffering is optional. 

So today I'm opting out of suffering. 

Hey, I still have eight months left in the year to take it all back but a fresh start today won't hurt. Who knows maybe it will even stick. So, anyways, happy Easter Folks! Enjoy some family time, easter bunny chocolate, turkey and don't forget to give yourself a break.

Respectfully From the Edge.

The Edge of Irish ..

Happy St Patrick day! I hope you all found something green to wear today. 

I was thinking about how we identify ourselves and what it really means to be Irish. I call myself Irish mostly because being Irish is cool lately - not so much a hundred years ago. But really the only nationality I can identify myself with is a Canadian and even that is questionable because my father was born in London England. The truth is I am quite the mutt - although there is definitely a British Island theme to my genealogy. 

So, here it goes - I am:

1. British
2. Irish
3. Scottish 
4. Welsh
5. German

Which makes me an arrogant, alcoholic, cheapskate with a quick temper and a superiority complex. My one Grandpa was mostly Irish but ironically he came from Manchester England.  Basically the Brits came over to Ireland and took his shit and put him to work in the coal mines, or so the story goes. 

I'm not sure what any of this really means but when we get to that point of our life where we really start questioning who we are, this whole lack of national identity doesn't help. Being Canadian doesn't make it any clearer. 

We Canadians are defined by our lack of definition. 

So when people ask me what Nationality I am I have been saying Irish - but technically I'm Irish-ish. I am really just as British - maybe even more so. But after Braveheart who wants to be British - thanks for that Mel Gibson.  

I've written before about being "fragmented". This whole idea that in different circumstances we act different to try to fit in with the other Humans. Over the years this fragmentation takes it's toll on our identity and we can lose ourselves in the Mythology we have created when trying to define ourselves.

The antithesis of fragmentation is individuation - the reconciliation of the fact that we are defined as a sum of our parts - not any one random piece of the puzzle. The truth is that I'm not any one of these Nationalities - I'm all of them.  I'm not Irish per say - but being Irish is part of who I am. We are all a unique combination of biology, genealogy, experiences and reactions that has never been put together in exactly the same way as it has in you or me. 

Thank God for that!  

This is the core of "Notes from the Edge" - it is my attempt to explain Life from the outside looking in. As an individual, unique in every way, constructed by a series of random events, I am the sum of those events - this Chaos. Embracing this Chaos as my true Creator, giving up on fighting and vainly trying to control conditions beyond control is the path to freedom from the bondage of Self. It is how I am able to exist in peace and harmony with my surroundings and the  other Humans. 

So, happy St Patricks Day whether your Irish or Irish-ish or just another Misfit trying to get through the day as best you can. 

In honor of my Irish Grandpa I'll leave you with this Old Irish Verse

May the roads rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sunshine warmly on your face.

And the rains fall softly upon your fields.

And until we meet again

May God hold you 

In the palm of His hand. 

Respectfully from The Edge.

The Edge on Reconciliation

There is a huge difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. 

One of my early posts in my Notes from the Edge was on forgiveness. You can follow the link and have a look but I basically explore the idea that we, as Humans, need to forgive to get past the wreckage of our pasts and also to overcome the guilt and shame that is associated with our own wrong doings that may require forgiveness.

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" sums it up nicely.

The thing about forgiveness is that we can do it in isolation of the other Humans - it is between us and Our Creator / The Universe / God / god. There is peace that comes from forgiveness and there is no question it is a noble pursuit - but we can forgive completely and still have broken relationships. The relationship may stay broken because, even though there is true forgiveness, there is not reconciliation.

Reconciliation involves both parties of the wrong that required forgiveness to get together and "reconcile" their differences.

This can be tricky. I can forgive but still acknowledge that the person who wronged me is in the wrong and although they are forgiven their actions are still not condoned. It only requires an act of passive benevolence to forgive. To reconcile we need a willing partner - we also need to be willing. 

Do we want to be right or happy?

If we want to be happy it is not important to beat a confession out of the other party - we may be able to rise above the situation and be an agent of reconciliation. But we must be careful not to sell ourselves out here. As humans we deserve closure on wrongs done and that closure is in the hands of those that wronged us. 

We run the risk of exposing ourselves to further wrongs, even abuse, by chasing after unattainable closure. 

Ultimately we have to make that call. When reconciliation is attainable I believe that we need to do everything we can to achieve it. When it's not we need to throw in the towel early and not "throw good money after bad" as it were.

We shouldn't let the vain pursuit of reconciliation undermine the good works we have accomplished in forgiveness. 

When we are dealing with primary relationships this is difficult - to let go of closure. To accept that there is no hope for reconciliation. This is emotionally charged territory and we are unlikely to make good decisions all the time. We should step back a,nd borrow a page from the Alcoholics Saying:

God, Grant me the Serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can 

and the wisdom to know the difference

Respectfully, from the Edge

The Edge on Fatherhood

I enjoyed the Misfit Trilogy and muddling my way though the idea "fitting in". Writing about some of my experiences in "Notes from the Edge"  and some of my fictions in "Collateral Damn-edge", (or is it the other way around?) has become a journey of self discovery and changed perceptions. Invariably when I try to report to you folks something about myself - it's not something I already knew - it is new information that I uncover about myself and the World around me during the writing process. 

When I transfer thoughts from my brain to the page, I realize how little I really know and understand about myself. 

Sempei ... Sempei

Every time I write a post it's as much of a surprise to me as anyone else where I end up. When I started this post, for instance, I was going to write about being a father. That's why I called it "The Edge of Fatherhood". Now I have only have a couple hundred words left to get on topic. I suppose I could wait until the post is written before I commit to a title .. but I don't. I stubbornly force feed my post some sentences that link up with my title. Now that's a Misfit.

I re-read my Misfit Trilogy today and realized that it was loaded with new information. So many of my thoughts are based on old ideas and I have truly come to appreciate it when new ones pop up. During the few days when I was writing my Misfit posts, circling around the topic, I changed some of my perceptions.

Not earth shattering, epiphany type changes ... tweaks. 

As I muddle, trudge and stumble my way though life, trying to do the next right thing, that's really what its come down to ... tweaks. Small and conscious changes in my perceptions and understandings that make my life better and make me a better father, writer and yes even a better misfit. I am starting to finally play well with the other Misfits. This ability to change perceptions is not easy to come by. I have certain old ideas that I have been locked up in for years - Some I still am and others it's a work in progress. But even though these ideas are old and sometimes unhealthy they are comfortable - I know what I'm up against. New ideas don't feel right - they're like new clothes all stiff and scratchy. I had to be beat into a state of reasonableness by Life to become willing to take on these new ideas and break them in.

Circumstance rather than virtue is the Story of my Life. 

After all the complicated self-examination and lofty verbiage I have a "new idea". I have come to the grand conclusion that I should treat Life the way I want to be treated. I should do to Life what I want Life to do to me.  This sounds strangely familiar. I am pretty sure I've heard this before...

I receive compassion when I act compassionately - respect when I act respectfully.

I lost this basic bit of Life along the way some how. I may be a Misfit but no more than the next guy. Life is messy and unpredictable and we all have to find our way. When I embrace the messiness and just keep trudging things go well and when I try to figure it out and fix it - not so much.

If I can help my kids figure this out a little quicker than I did I would be getting a little "Edge on Fatherhood"?

Respectfully from the Edge.

The Edge of Life - Part 2

My all Time Favourite Misfit

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Albert Einstein 

When I started Blogging and attempting to build an online community I ran into the idea of a "Tribe". Bloggers that I aspire to be like when (and if) I grow up including Seth Godin, Jeff Goins, The Robert D and all those crazy talented content writers over at Copyblogger talk about their Tribe to describe the Global Online Community.

A Tribe forms by attraction to clearly presented and well thought out ideas and experiences written by Bloggers. These Tribes give life to a writer's work and ultimately become the driving force behind it.

For Misfits a Tribe can be extremely powerful.

The formation of a Tribe can alleviate some of the long term personal fragmentation and self-doubt built up over years of feeling "I don't fit". As a members of this Tribe, I am now able to focus more energy on being what God intended me to be:  a parent, spouse, friend, protector, provider and Human

I have more energy to be the best Sam I can be and focus on doing the next right thing.

A small Tribe is gathering around Notes from the Edge. I seem to be slowly attracting this Tribe of Misfits through nothing more than the development of Authentic and Experiential Content.

I found that I am not the only one in the Blogosphere who identifies with a Tribe of Misfits. Jeff Goines, wrote a short e-book entitled the Misfit Manifesto. I was forwarded a free copy of the Manifesto by joining +Jeff Goins' site.

The Manifesto not only embraced what I have come to call the Misfit Paradigm but also the concept being Wrecked., In fact, The Misfit Manifesto was a launching pad to Jeff's Book, Wrecked: When a Broken World Slams Into Your Comfortable Life. The content of Jeffs writing closely mirrored my thoughts and feelings about my world view and value system. 

As I continuing on with this series of posts on the "Edge of Life" I will examine what it means to be Wrecked. how this relates to being a Misfit, and how this is working in my life and helping me in my ongoing efforts to do the Next Right Thing.

I would encourage you to read Jeff's Free E-book and if that makes sense to you read Wrecked available on his website Here.

I will send a copy of the E-book to my mailing list. It is a great read and only a couple of thousand words in lenght. If you are not on my e-mail list, please join my site by entering your e-mail in the "Follow by E-mail" Widget at the top of the right hand side bar and I will send an digital copy to you. Alternatively you can go to goinswriter.com and download it yourself.

Jeff has another great free e-book called the Writers Manifesto - which is basically a call to action for writers and available for download on his site.

As I wrote this Post it occurred to me that I have very openly referred my readers as Wrecked Misfits and this may not be a s flattering to others as it is to me.

Bear with me -  the Edge on Life is intended to be a three or four Post Series series. I am hoping that being a Wrecked Misfit will become something we will proudly identify ourselves with and even form a community bond around this idea once properly explored..

The Question I post to you ... If we get enough Misfits together doesn't that make THEM THE MISFITS!!!!!. 

The Misfit Revolution?

Ummm unlikely, but a great segway into to this song by another misfit.

To be continued ...

Respectfully, from the Edge

The Edge of Expectation

"My happiness is directly proportional to my expectations."

It would be nice if people, places and things did what I expected them to do. Placing any sort of expectations on the Humans and their erratic behaviour is especially precarious. The closer our relationship is to the Human in question the more currency the expectation carries.

We all want to be treated with respect. If some schmo walking down the street doesn't smile  back at me when I walk by I may be mildly irritated at the rude behaviour - but it will be fleeting and mild.  Now if I tell a girl I am dating I love her and she asks me to pass the ketchup I will lose sleep and my feelings will be intense and unpleasant. This is because I had an expectation of how she would behave. 

When we do something to make another person feel better with no expectation of reward we are acting out of what I call Authentic Love.  If I walk passed my child's door and I see that her blanket has fallen off I sneak into the room very quietly and pull the blanket up over her so she is warm and feels safe. I take great pleasure in this and I have no expectation of reward.  In fact, not getting caught is essential.

For me, the inverse relationship between expectation and happiness is most acute in the Family. I have heard it said that "anyone who had parents suffered some form of abuse". Most of us have some sort of weird little neurosis related to our parents and our expectation of how we should be treated.  This peculiar and common tension is further complicated by differences in values and respect indicators created by personality differences and generation gaps.

I believe that all Humans have the right to be respected. In fact, I demand a certain level of respect from those who I allow in my life. This presents another problem with family - we didn't choose them. So when my expectation of respect is not being met I'm forced to ride out the relationship to the bitter and miserable end.

Or am I?

When our expectation of respect is not met in a relationship that we are born into we have to rise above that expectation. I do this by doubling down on Authentic Love. Authentic Love fill's the hole left by my unmet expectations. In fact, sometimes the expectation fades away completely. 

The act of committing random, secret acts of Authentic Love is the antidote for unmet expectations. And here's the secret - these acts don't even have to be perpetrated on the same Humans that are not meeting your expectation of respect. Any Human will do - the more deserving the better.

There is a magic that happens when we incorporate Authentic Love into our lives. The importance of the expectation fades and sometimes goes away entirely. Sometimes we suddenly realize our expectations are being met and when they are not we are able to feel compassion rather than resentment. 

Eventually they will come around. In the mean time with all of us in the Edgosphere running around committing random acts of Authentic Love the World will be a better place! So keep you're head up folks and when the Humans fall short of your expectations just Smile and Wave.

Respectfully, From the Edge

The Edge on God

I have been alive for 17001 days. 

I found this out from Robert D Smith, a Guest Writer on Jeff Goins' Blog. I don't follow many Bloggers faithfully; however, I do enjoy Jeff's writing on life, advice on growing my Blog and his network of talented Bloggers. A network I would be proud to add myself to Jeff ... if you're listening.

So that's enough shameless sucking up to Jeff.

I have decided that at the ripe age of 17001 days I should come out of the closet. 

When I started Blogging I decided I would try to stay in the Centre of most polarising issues as not to alienate one side or the other (this strategy tends to piss of both sides by the way). There is an issue that is a growing part of who I am that I have skirted around and managed not to come right out and own up to in my posts ...

 I'm a Christian.

How many of you thought I was going to say I was Gay?

How many of you wished I said I was Gay?

Photo credit: www.wellspringcounselinggroup.com/blog

Anyways there it is. This may not be as big a deal as I think it is but I come from a science background and there was a significant period in my life where I was either agnostic or atheist. In fact, the very mention of God, would have led me to believe that you were of a weaker and less intelligent species and sent me off on a rant on creation and evolution.

My road to becoming a Christian was slow and painful. I would not consider myself a traditional Christian by any means and my belief in God is the single most personal thing about me. So sharing it with you folks is as intimate as it gets.

I can't talk about this subject without talking about my wife. She is the reason I am a Christian and she is what I believe God had in mind when he made Christians. I am proud to be a Christian because of her. Other than my wife, there are two very important things that being a Christian brought to my life - Prayer and Community.

So from now on we will begin each post with a prayer... Just kidding.

I won't change the nature or content of my posts much. I am just no longer going to skirt around the issue. This is part of my commitment to being Authentic. But prayer is a part of my daily life. I pray with my wife and 5 year old.

My 11 year old has decided that being a Christian isn't cool and I am fine with that for now. I just put the information in front of her and let her make up her own mind.  Coming to grips with an understanding of God, or higher power, or whatever is a life time process.

So in the future when I refer to God that's what I mean.  If you prefer Creator, Buddha, Mohamed, or the Great Out Doors please, do whatever works for you. To close this post on God I will share a prayer I stole from the Alcoholics. My 5 year old says it whenever she is sad or misses her big sister.

God, 

Grant me the Serenity, 

To Accept the Things I Cannot Change,

The Courage to Change the Things I can, and 

The Wisdom to Know the Difference.

Respectfully, From the Edge

The Edge of Honesty

"I have always told you some version of the truth." Jack Nicholson, Something's Gotta Give, 2003

We all know there are no versions of the truth - the truth is the truth. That being said, no one holds the patent on being right. Two people can disagree and both be right ... but I digress.

This is a follow up post to the "Edge of Fear" posted a few hours ago. That post ended with the statement:

Photo Credit Disney

"The only way to truly overcome the defences we build up to protect our fears is through Psychological Honesty" (or words to that effect.)

It has always been a point of personal pride that I have identified and maintained a level of Psychological Honesty.To explain Psychological Honesty I will give an example of Psychological Dishonesty.

I don't like "Fred" because he stole a girl from me 15 years ago. My wife wants me to go a dinner party with Fred and his wife (my old flame). I pick a fight with my wife and stomp off and go to my buddies to watch football because we aren't getting along now she doesn't want to go to the party. I do all this without acknowledging that I picked the fight to get out of an uncomfortable situation.

So in order to overcome the fear I have of facing Fred I have lied to myself. It is a obvious ploy but my need to avoid Fear is so great I ignore the obvious and even blame my wife for the whole thing.

This may seem like a silly example. But I see versions of this type of self deception all the time. I like to think I am above these shenanigans - but the stronger the Fear, the more ridiculous stunts we pull to avoid it. It is often obvious and frustrating to the spouse, or whomever, you are pulling these stunts on.

Now if I would do that to avoid Fred - what would I do to avoid running into someone I really hurt or who really hurt me. This is how we become fragmented, and our Authentic Self becomes buried in a labyrinth of self-deception and denial ... all supported by our old frienemy - Fear.

We have to put a stop to this childish and pathetic behaviour if we expect to expose the Bogey man that is Fear. We must be Psychologically Honest and expose these ridiculous lies to the light that dissolves them and allows our Authentic Selves to shine through.

As Carl Jung puts it: "it is the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."

Its simple ... but not easy.

Respectfully, from the Edge.
The Edge on Strategy

The Edge of Fear

No one wants to admit they are afraid.

A little help?

A close, honest, look; however, will show that Fear underlies all kinds of more socially acceptable feelings and behaviours including: procrastination, frustration, anger, intolerance, greed, excessive ambition, idle indifference - even dieting and exercising can be driven by Fear ... the list goes on.

I have come to believe that in my life it is Fear that keeps me from relating to the other Humans as my uncensored, Authentic Self. That's the case with me - bonafide tough guy and misfit. Given this conclusion, managing Fear is the key to my happiness.

I will openly and freely admit to a zillion defects but rarely to their true source. Fear masquerading as other, more Manly, character flaws is deeply rooted in my psychology. So deep that in some cases the source of the Fear has been lost to memory and the only the Fear itself remains. An independent, soul sucking, force that no longer requires stimuli to sustain it's presence.

Efforts to find the origin of Fear has value but often ends up driving wedges between me and the other Humans, usually those closest to me. Luckily, it is the "What" of Fear that I must understand not the "Why". The "What" is:

Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real.  

Fear is the Boogieman, the monster under the bed that keeps me from getting up at night. Fear is a choice. When I peel back the psychological defences that have been protecting my Fears I turn Fear itself on its head and the "What" of Fear becomes:

Fear = Face Everything And Recover. 

By facing fear and acknowledging that Fear dies in the light I can stop letting it run my thoughts and actions and my Authentic Self can truly come out and play.  I can only eliminate those defences that protect my fears by practicing psychological honesty. Which I will discuss in detail in my next post "The Edge of Honesty".

Respectfully, from the Edge.